Corny joke thread

[GameSetAndMath]

At an AA meeting, a scientist gives a demonstration. He puts a worm in a glass of
whiskey and after a brief period of intoxication, the worm dies. Then, he asks as to
what is the moral of the story.

Reply from the participants: Drinking alcohol will clean your stomach from
any worms that may be in there.

 

[Front242]

This guy is having some really bad headaches for the last 6 months so he goes to the doctor. The doc says, "well, I've some good news and some bad news. The bad news is you've only got around 6 months to live." The patient asks "what the hell is the good news?"

The doc answers: "You see that cute blonde receptionist over there? I'm f**king her!"

 

[Murat Baslamisli]

^ :lolz:

 

[tented]

Noticing a mistake in St. Peter's roster, God calls Satan; "It seems you accidentally received some of my professionals down there: a teacher, a doctor and a farmer."

"Yeah," Satan replies. "All the more for me!"

God replies, "You better send them up here immediately."

Satan says, "No way. I'm keeping them."

God says, "Send them up here, or I'll sue the horns right off you."

Satan laughs uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

 

[tented]

While examining the the body of Mr. Schwartz, a mortician notices that Schwartz has the largest penis he has ever seen.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," says the mortician, "But I can't send you to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."

The mortician removes the penis, places it in a jar and puts the jar in his briefcase. When he gets home, he decides to show it to his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he says, removing the jar from his briefcase.

"Oh my God!" she screams, "Schwartz is dead!"

 

[I.Haychew]

Question: What's the dipherence between the San Phrancisco 49ers and a bucket of shi+?
Answer: The bucket.

GO SEAHAWKS!!!

 

[tented]

There once was a boy named "Odd."

People made fun of him because of his name, so he decided to keep his gravestone blank when he died.

Now when people pass by the burial site, they point and say, "That's odd."

 

[tented]

A man was waking up from anesthesia, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side.

A couple of minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!" Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute." She asked, "What happened to 'beautiful'?" His said, "The drugs are wearing off!"

 

[I.Haychew]

A man was waking up from anesthesia, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side.

A couple of minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!" Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute." She asked, "What happened to 'beautiful'?" His said, "The drugs are wearing off!"

Sounds like he's gonna be in BIG trouble when the drugs comPLETEly wear off!

 

[Front242]

What's pink and fluffy?

Pink fluff!

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

Shoot me now please

 

[I.Haychew]

Question: What's brown and sits on a piano?
Answer: Beethoven's last movement

 

[I.Haychew]

Question: How do you phind a blind man at a nude beach?
Answer: It's not hard.

 

[I.Haychew]

My wiphe asked iph I'd give it to her "doggy style", so I took a dump on the phloor and chewed-up her shoes.

 

[I.Haychew]

Below is the list of ways to win an argument with a woman...



























...

 

[britbox]

Grandpa: boy, how many miles do you walk to school?
Boy: about a half mile.
Grandpa: when I was your age I walked eight miles to school every day. Boy, what are your grades like?
Boy: they are mostly B's.
Grandpa: when I was your age I got all A's. Boy, have you ever gotten into a fight?
Boy: only two times and the boy beat me up.
Grandpa: When I was your age I was in a fight every day. Boy, how old are you?
Boy: 9 years old.
Grandpa: when I was your age I was 11

 

[brokenshoelace]

A man was waking up from anesthesia, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side.

A couple of minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!" Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute." She asked, "What happened to 'beautiful'?" His said, "The drugs are wearing off!"

Sounds like he's gonna be in BIG trouble when the drugs comPLETEly wear off!

Don't you mean wear oph?

 

[I.Haychew]

A man was waking up from anesthesia, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side.

A couple of minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!" Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute." She asked, "What happened to 'beautiful'?" His said, "The drugs are wearing off!"

Sounds like he's gonna be in BIG trouble when the drugs comPLETEly wear off!

Don't you mean wear oph?

Good phind!

 

[Front242]

In a twist on the Fairy liquid ads seen in Europe, here's the Scouse edition:

Kid to mum: Mummy, mummy, why are your hands so soft?

Mum: Because I'm 12

 

[tented]

A man walks into a bar with a cheese sandwich under his arm. "A pint of Guinness for me and the cheese sandwich," he says to the barman.

"I'm sorry, sir," replies the barman, "we don't serve food in here."

 

[tented]

A man walks into a bar and orders three beers.

The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, until they're gone.

He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one, and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the Ireland. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night, we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three beers, too, and we're drinking together."

The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition, and every week he sets up the guy's three beers. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them, then orders two more. The bartender says sadly, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry you've lost a brother."

The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine -- I just quit drinking."