Corny joke thread

[ClayDeath]

my jokes carry more weight. I have far bigger muscles. that is why I have to carry heavier jokes.

you still owe us 3 more jokes.

 

[Kieran]

Doctor says to the patient, "the good news is, you'll live til you're 60."

Patient says, "but I'm 60 now!"

Doctor: "I know. I'm good, aren't I!"

 

[britbox]

The worst thing about having Alzheimer's is meeting new relatives every day

 

[britbox]

I walked up to reception in the hotel and said, "Sorry, but I forgot what room I'm in."

"No problem, Sir. This is called the lobby."

 

[Johnsteinbeck]

The worst thing about having Alzheimer's is meeting new relatives every day

the best thing, on the other hand, is that you get to hide your own easter eggs.

 

[Moxie]

Doctor tells a man he has bad news and more bad news. "What's the bad news, Doc?" "You've got cancer." "Oh, no! What's the other bad news?" "You've also got Alzheimer's." "Well, at least I don't have cancer."

 

[Murat Baslamisli]

Moxie, this joke would be amazingly funny if you wrote it on purpose, after reading the second post of this thread....If not, it is still funny.

 

[ClayDeath]

A New York lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an older man asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything!
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The New York attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His next too kicks caused the lawyer so much pain that he just about gave up. However, the New York lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn."
The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

 

[Johnsteinbeck]

oh, the professionals hunting...

Three doctors - and internist, a surgeon and a forensic pathologist - go duck hunting. They set up in the bushes and wait. As the first bird flies up, the internist draws, but hesitates and says "It could be a duck. But i can't yet rule out a pheasant. or maybe even a goose" - before he shoots, the bird is long gone and they go back to waiting. As another bird comes flying - the surgeon draws, shoots, almost from the hip, repeats, hits the bird twice in the air before the pieces fall to the ground. With the gun still smoking, he turns to the pathologist "Do me a favor, will you go look and see what that was?

 

[Johnsteinbeck]

but that's not corny in the classic sense, i guess. so how about this one:

A cowboy gets his hair cut. When he comes out, his pony's gone.

 

[britbox]

After returning from a charity trip to Africa, U2 frontman Bono is playing a concert with his band to a packed house.

He stops singing and requests silence from the thousands of fans.

Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, “Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.”

From the front of the crowd a voice shouts out “Well, f***** stop doin it then, ya evil bastard!”

 

[shawnbm]

(this is a joke I learned living in Spain and involves stereotyping people, but I think it translates somewhat)

Q: Why do they plant garlic along the roads in Andalusia?

A: They say it helps with the circulation.



Moxie might like it

 

[ClayDeath]

I am in need of a few good jokes.

 

[Murat Baslamisli]

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word “beautiful” in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, “My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.” “Very good, Suzie,” replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. “My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully,” he said. “Excellent, Michael!”

Then, the teacher called on Little Johnny. “Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, ‘Beautiful, …just f%$&ng beautiful!"

I am a sucker for Little Johnny jokes

 

[ClayDeath]

not too shabby general Murat.


keep them coming.

 

[Murat Baslamisli]

Here is another one then...

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. “Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?” “None.”, replied Johnny,”cause the rest would fly away.” “Well, the answer is four,” said the teacher. “But I like the way you are thinking.” Little Johnny said, “I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married? “Well,” said the teacher nervously, “I guess the one sucking the cone?” “No,” said Little Johnny, “the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you’re thinking!”

 

[ClayDeath]

You might be a REDNECK if...


...you've ever cut your grass and found a car.

 

[ClayDeath]

that was excellent general murat.

 

[ClayDeath]

Man: "Hey, baby, if you come home with me, I can show you a really good time."

Woman: "You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body can't cash."

 

[ClayDeath]

You might be a REDNECK if...


...your high school basketball game got rained out.