Corny joke thread

[Moxie]

Cajuns have the same two guys, Boudreaux and Thibodeaux. You have to hear this joke with a Cajun accent:

Boudreaux be sittin' on the bank by the rivah, and Thibodeaux come by in his pirogue, and his pirogue be fulla duct tape. Boudreaux holla out, "Where you goin' wit dat duct tape?" Thibodeaux say, "I'm gonna get me some duck." Boudreaux say, "You can't get no duck wit no duct tape." Thibodeaux say, "You watch, you wait." Later, Boudreaux still sittin' on the bank by the rivah. Thibodeaux come back by, and his pirogue be fulla duck.

Next day, Boudreaux be sittin' on the bank by the rivah, and Thibodeaux come by in his pirogue, and his pirogue be fulla Nutrasweet. Boudreaux holla out, "Where you goin' wit dat Nutrasweet?" Thibodeaux say, "I'm gonna get me some nutra-rat*." Boudreaux say, "You can't get no nutra-rat wit no NutraSweet." Thibodeaux say, "You watch, you wait." Later, Boudreaux still sittin' on the bank by the rivah. Thibodeaux come back by, and his pirogue be fulla nutra.

Tird day, Boudreaux be sittin' on the bank by the rivah, and Thibodeaux come by in his pirogue, and his pirogue be fulla pu$$y willow. Boudreaux holla out, "Wait up, Thibodeaux...I'm comin' wit ya!"
______________
NB: *A "nutra-rat" (nutria) is a large rodent common to the swamps of Louisiana. Seriously large, with disgusting orange front teeth. They eat them. Not so bad in chili.

 

[Vince Evert]

A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.

The wife answers: 'Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?'

The husband laughs and says: 'An Italian girl!'

The woman kept quiet and left.

Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks:

'So, honey, how was the trip?'

'Very good, thank you.'

'And, what happened to my present?'

'Which present?' She asked.

'The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!'

'Oh, that' she said 'Well, I did what I could; now we'll have to wait for a few months to see if it is a girl!'

 

[Vince Evert]

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.
He asks the lady, 'Do you have a vagina?'
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, 'Do you have a vagina?'
She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice 'Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again.'
The next morning they hear a knock and both
run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered
voice, 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where the bastard is going with it.' She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question;
'Do you have a vagina?'
'Yes, I do,' she says.
The man replies..
'Good! Would you mind telling your husband
to leave my wife's alone and start using yours ?

 

[Vince Evert]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in he glanced
up
and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized that
she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took
the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out "Business trip or
pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business, I'm going to the Annual
Nymphomaniacs of America convention in Chicago,"

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen
sitting
next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your
business
role at the convention?"

"I am the lead lecturer," she responded. "I take what I have learned from
my
own personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about
sexuality."

"Really," he said, "and what kinds of myths are there?"

"Well." she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are
the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American
Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is
that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish
descent that are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with the
absolute best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry"
she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all this with you. I don't
even
know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

:laydownlaughing

 

[Vince Evert]

Applying For A Postal Job .........


A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”
He says “Yes, just caffeine.”
“Have you ever been in the service?” the interviewer asks.
“Yes,” he says, “I was in Iraq for two years.”
The interviewer says “That will give you 5 extra points toward employment here.”,
and then asks, “Are you disabled in any way?”
The guy says, “Yes… an IED exploded near me and blew my testicles clean off.”
The interviewer tells the guy “O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now. Normal hours are from 8am to 4pm. You can start tomorrow at 10am, and plan on starting at 10am every day. Don’t worry,we’ll still pay you from 8am.”
The guy is puzzled and says, “If the hours are from 8am to 4pm, why don’t you want me to be here before 10am?”
“‘This is a government job,” the interviewer says, “For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.”
:eyepop

 

[Murat Baslamisli]

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Homer, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'

The husband said, 'Fantastic! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'

'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

 

[tented]

A jumper cable walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything!"

 

[tented]

A dyslexic walks into a bra ...

 

[Vince Evert]

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned
to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike
Up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God,
or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.
"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which
The little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know shit?"
And then she went back to reading her book..

 

[Vince Evert]

A GUY WAS SITTING QUIETLY READING HIS PAPER WHEN HIS WIFE WALKED UP BEHIND HIM AND WHACKED HIM ON THE HEAD WITH A MAGAZINE. 'WHAT WAS THAT FOR?' HE ASKED.

'THAT WAS FOR THE PIECE OF PAPER IN YOUR TROUSER POCKET WITH THE NAME LAURA LOU WRITTEN ON IT,' SHE REPLIED.

'TWO WEEKS AGO WHEN I WENT TO THE RACES, LAURA LOU WAS THE NAME OF ONE OF THE HORSES I BET ON, I BOUGHT YOU THOSE FLOWERS WITH THE WINNINGS, 'HE EXPLAINED.

'OH DARLING, I'M SORRY,' SHE SAID. 'I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN THERE WAS A GOOD EXPLANATION.'

THREE DAYS LATER HE WAS WATCHING TV WHEN SHE WALKED UP AND HIT HIM ON THE HEAD AGAIN, THIS TIME WITH A FRYING PAN, WHICH KNOCKED HIM OUT COLD.

WHEN HE CAME TO, HE ASKED, 'WHAT WAS THAT FOR?'

'YOUR HORSE PHONED.' clap

 

[Kieran]

:laydownlaughing

 

[Vince Evert]

Living Life Backwards

In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila !
You finish off as an orgasm !!!!! :clap

 

[Vince Evert]

A married couple is travelling by car from California to New York.
Being seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decided to take a room. But, they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is high. He told the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. He insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for us to use.

"But we didn't use them," the husband said.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

The Manager went on to explain that the couple could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," the husband said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband gave up and agreed to pay. As he didn't have the check book, he asked his wife to write the check.
She did and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But Ma'am, this is made out for only $50.00."

"That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have." :laydownlaughing:laydownlaughing

 

[Vince Evert]

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well
Waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'
I thought.....Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... they will remember.
My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my handsome Boss Rick, said, 'Good Morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday! '
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Rick knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me..'
I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Rick said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We?' I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'
He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.' After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said,If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.' 'Ok.' I nervously replied.
He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, he came out carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed by my husband my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'. And I just sat there.....
On the couch....

Naked. :eyepop :clap

 

[Vince Evert]

Down in Florida, there's a little hotel, four floors high. A girl used to take a sunbathe there every day. Since there were no higher hotels near it, she would take off her bathing suit and be in the nude. So she was in the nude and she was lying on her stomach, and she heard someone coming up the steps. She quickly grabbed the towel and put it around her.

The man said, "I wish you wouldn't sunbathe in the nude up here."

She said, "You never protested before." He said, "No, but I wish you would do it like you did before, in your bathing suit.

" She said, "Why do you care? No one can see."

He said, "Madam, you happen to be lying on the skylight of a dining room." :eyepop:lolz:

 

[Vince Evert]

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all the blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and detects the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.

He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK.

She replies, “Yes.”

He asks what she is doing.

She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has on a ski jacket and a fur coat.

She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, “For best results, put on two coats.” :eyepop

 

[Vince Evert]

Wife screams "Get out of my house!" Hubby moves to the door. Wife says "I hope you die a slow painful death!" Hubby then turns and says. "So now you want me to stay?"

 

[Vince Evert]

A rabbit and a bear are walking in the woods one day, when the bear happens upon a magic lamp. This bear is not very nice to the rabbit so he then picks up the rabbit and rubs the lamp. A genie pops out and says: "You have freed me, so you each get three wishes." The bear says: "I wish all of the bears in this region were female bears, except for me." The rabbit says: "I wish I had a motorcycle." The bear then says: "Ooh, I've got a good one. I wish all of the bears in the whole country were female bears, except for me." The rabbit says: "I wish I had a motorcycle helmet." The bear's last wish is: "Ooh, ooh, here's the best one of all! Here goes. I wish that all of the bears in the whole world were female bears, except for me. Then the rabbit says: "I wish the bear right next to me was a female." The rabbit then hops on his motorcycle and drives away as fast as he can..

 

[Vince Evert]

Three couples—one elderly, one middle-aged, one young and newly wed—apply for membership in a church. The pastor informs them that the requirement for new parishioners is that they abstain from sex for two weeks. The couples agree and go their separate ways.

After two weeks, they return. The pastor asks the elderly pair if they were able to abstain for two weeks. “No problem at all, Pastor,” replies the old man.

“Congratulations!” says the pastor. “Welcome to the church.” He turns to the middle-aged couple and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks. “It was difficult,” replies the husband. “By the end of the second week, I had to sleep on the couch, but we did it.”

“Congratulations on overcoming temptation,” says the pastor. “Welcome to the church.” He then turns to the newlyweds and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks.

“At first it was no problem,” says the husband. “But one day my wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf, and she dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there.”

“You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church,” says the pastor.

“We know,” says the young man. “We’re not welcome at the supermarket anymore either.”

 

[britbox]

^Hilarious stuff Mr T.

Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"

In a condescending manner, she says, "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00."

Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?" "That's obvious," the saleslady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."