Corny joke thread

[I.Haychew]

To women: Iph, aphter your phirst date, a guy can tell you your eye color, then you probably have small titz.

 

[Moxie]

To women: Iph, aphter your phirst date, a guy can tell you your eye color, then you probably have small titz.

Ok, that's terrible. :nono :laydownlaughing

Here's a quid pro quo:

A mouse is stuck down in a deep pit, and an elephant hears his squeaky little cries. In order to get the mouse out, the elephant drops his big, elephantine penis into the pit, and the mouse crawls up it and out of the pit. Some time later, the mouse hears the elephant trumpeting frantically. He's stuck down in the same pit. The mouse backs his Porsche up to the pit, drops a chain, and hauls the elephant out.

Moral of the story: If you have a Porsche, you don't need a big penis.

 

[tented]

The CIA has three candidates, two men and a woman, for one assassin position.

On the final day of testing, the CIA proctor leads the first male candidate to a large steel door and hands him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions, regardless of the circumstances," he explains. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The man is horrified, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!"

"Well," says the proctor, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

The CIA proctor leads the second man to another large steel door and hands him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions, no matter what the circumstances," the proctor explains. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The second man steadies himself, takes the gun and enters the room. After three quiet minutes, the man exits the room with tears in his eyes. "I wanted to do it -- I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

Finally, the CIA proctor leads the female candidate to yet another large steel door and hands her a gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."

The woman takes the gun, enters the room, and before the door even closes completely behind her, she's fired off six shots. Then all hell breaks loose behind the door -- cursing, screaming, crashing. Suddenly, all goes quiet.

The door opens slowly, the woman exits, and wiping the sweat from her brow, she says, "Did you guys know the gun was loaded with blanks? I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"

 

[tented]

A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.

The guy sitting next to him can't believe what he just saw. He's more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.

The astonished onlooker asks, "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we're hundreds of feet above the ground!"

The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out.

The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.

The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all. SPLAT!

The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. "You're really an a**hole when you're drunk, Superman."

 

[Front242]

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10lbs program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."

 

[Murat Baslamisli]

Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful and stuff..." "Wrong!," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?" The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and drink eggnog." St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "What is Easter?" The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously. "Easter is the Christian holiday, that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper. Then the Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder." St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. Then the third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out...and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."

 

[TsarMatt]

What did the dentist say to his wife?

"I don't have feelings for you anymore".


Now that's cringe.

 

[Kieran]

Feelings? Fillings?

:laydownlaughing

 

[TsarMatt]

^ Damn, I couldn't even tell the joke right.

 

[britbox]

I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.

 

[Murat Baslamisli]

An old man bursts into a priest's study and says,

" I've got to tell you this. I'm 50 years old and for the thirty years I've been married I never cheated on my wife. Then this sweet thing moved in next door and since then.....wow!"

"How long has it been since your last Confession ?" asks the priest.

"I've never been to Confession. I'm Jewish"

"Then why are you telling me this?"

"I'm telling everyone!"

 

[JesuslookslikeBorg]

..aAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhh CHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooo00o.

Oh well, I was going to tell a joke but I decided to sneeze instead.

 

[Front242]

A man goes to the doctor with his wife who has two black eyes and a broken nose.

"How did that happen?" asks the doctor.
The man replies "She's going through the change".
The doctor replies "That doesn't happen with the change".
The man replies "It does when it's my f*****g change!"

A bit rough sorry ladies

 

[Murat Baslamisli]

A man was eating in a truck stop minding his own business when three dangerous looking bikers walked in. The first walked up to the man, pushed his cigarette into the man's pie and then took a seat at the counter.
The second walked up to the man, spit into the man's milk and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the man, turned over his plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the man paid his bill and quietly left the diner. One of the bikers said to the waitress, "Ha! Not much of a man, is he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a driver either. He just backed his ten-wheel truck over three motorcycles.

 

[britbox]

A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Bulgarian businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating. She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?"

One of the Bulgarian men says, "Can't you see? Ve arrrre all verrry, verrry hoongry." The waitress makes a stroking motion and says, "So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation??" One of the other businessmen replies:
The menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!

 

[Murat Baslamisli]

A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'

 

[Murat Baslamisli]

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

 

[Murat Baslamisli]

One of my Jewish clients told me this joke at work . I laughed hard.

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play.
"Wonderful. What part is it?"
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

 

[britbox]

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old said, "Well, son, it was 1932. I was down to my last nickel."

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $9.80."

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

 

[Billie]

I'll try to translate a joke and see what you think

Mujo and Haso are watching football on TV. Mujo turns to Haso and tells him: Haso, do you know that if it weren't for Tesla, we would have watched this game in darkness!:laydownlaughing

PS: there are lots of jokes about these two guys, who are not very clever. Tesla is also the father of modern electricity - that should help with understanding the joke.