Corny joke thread

[ClayDeath]

You might be a REDNECK if...


...you've totaled every car you've ever owned.

 

[ClayDeath]

You might be a REDNECK if...


...they just raised the drinking age in your state to 32 on account of they wanted to keep alcohol out of the schools

 

[nehmeth]

A pastor wakes up one Sunday morning. It's a glorious day, sunny, cool, no breeze. He feels the golf course beckoning, calls his associate and feigning illness asks him to preach that morning's message. That done, he tosses the clubs in the trunk of the car and heads for the greens.

Meanwhile Jesus and the Father are looking down from heaven watching. As the pastor gets to the first tee, the Father says to Jesus, "Watch this Son!" The pastor strikes a magnificent shot, the ball makes it to the green and rolls 15 feet into the cup. A hole in one!

Jesus watches with great consternation. Once again, the Father speaks, "Now watch this!"

Again the pastor steps up to the tee. Again his club connects with the ball and it sails to the green, this time rolling 30 some feet into the cup. Another hole in one!

No longer able to contain Himself, Jesus says to the Father, "Father, this man of God lied to his associate, skipped church to be here on the links and You've just given him TWO holes in one!"

The Father smiles to His Son and replies, "Yes Son, and he'll never be able to tell a living soul."

 

[JesuslookslikeBorg]

Q) why did the gerbil cross the road ?,

A) because it wanted to.

 

[JesuslookslikeBorg]

Q) what do you get if you cross a goose with another goose ?.

A) a goose.

 

[Kieran]

When I heard that oxygen and magnesium hooked up, I was like OMg...

 

[Kieran]

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up 2 fingers and says "Five beers please!"

 

[britbox]

My wife says I never lift a finger to help around the house.

So I lifted a finger and used it to point her back towards the kitchen.

 

[britbox]

The electricity company phoned today and said I had an "outstanding account".

Thank you very much, I replied before hanging up proudly.

 

[britbox]

I thought my mate was doing an owl impression when he get saying "Twit", "Who" repetitively.

Turns out he was just reading through the San Diego Chargers roster.

 

[GameSetAndMath]

An old man was working in Gym with help from a personal trainer at which time
a beautiful young girl walks into the Gym. The old man asks "Trainer,
what machine should I use to impress this young girl"?. The trainer looks
at the frail body of the old man and says "I would recommend the
ATM in the lobby".

 

[Murat Baslamisli]

A skeleton walks into a bar and asks the barman " I would like a beer " and after looking at himself "and a mop please.."

 

[brokenshoelace]

we needed a joke thread.

Cali's been doing them for years.

 

[RJD11]

A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say hell and you say ass."

"OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man? "I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"

 

[RJD11]

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.
"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.
He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.
"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."
The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.
"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.
"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly.
"How did you know?"
"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

 

[Didi]

What is the definition of endless love?
Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder playing tennis.

 

[RJD11]

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him,

“You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to

sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?”

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, “Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?”

Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed. “You really ARE Einstein!” he says. “Welcome

to heaven!”


The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials. Picasso asks, “Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?”

Saint Peter says, “Go ahead.” Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.

Saint Peter claps. “Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!” he says. “Come on in!”

Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and

says, “Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?”

George W. looks bewildered and says, “Who are Einstein and Picasso?”

Saint Peter sighs and says, “Come on in, George.”

 

[britbox]

A man walks into a crowded local bar brandishing a revolver yelling “Who’s been screwing my wife?”

A voice from the back of the bar shouts back, “You don’t have enough ammo, mate!”

 

[britbox]

Two married friends are out drinking on Tuesday night.

One says to the other: "I can never sneak into the house after I've been drinking. I've tried everything. I turn the headlights off before I go up the drive. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off and creep upstairs. I get undressed in the bathroom. I do everything, but then my wife still wakes up and yells at me for staying out late."

His friend replies: "Do what I do. I screech into the driveway, slam the front door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap my wife's bottom and say, "How about some fun" She always pretends she's asleep."

 

[Moxie]

A frog walks into a bank. He sits with a banker, a Ms. Patricia Whack. He asks to be given a loan, and offers a small brass Buddah as collateral. He also mentions that his father is Mick Jagger. When Ms. Whack expresses doubt, the frog asks her to call the bank manager, who comes over to hear the story. He seems impressed by the Jagger connection. Ms. Whack, doubtful about the collateral, holds up the small icon and asks, "What is this?"

The bank manager says: "It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

(Maybe you have to know the kiddy song.)