Corny joke thread

[britbox]

A turkey is chatting with a bull.

"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighs the turkey, "but I just haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replies the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecks at a lump of dung and finds that it actually gives him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reaches the second branch.

Finally after a week, there he is proudly perched at the top of the tree.

Unfortunately he is spotted by a farmer, who shoots him out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

 

[britbox]

A petty thief, a teacher and a lawyer die in a plane crash and go up to Heaven's gates together.

When they get there they are stopped by St. Peter, who says: "Sorry, it's crowded up here, you need to answer a question correctly, or else you can't get in."

He looks at the teacher, and asks her: "What was the name of the famous ocean-liner that sank after hitting an iceberg?"

"Oh, that's easy," the teacher replies, "the Titanic."

So St. Peter lets her into Heaven.

Next he turns to the petty thief.

"How many people died on that ship?" St. Peter asks.

"Oooh, that's tough, but I saw the movie, and I think it was 1,500."

St. Peter steps away and the thief walks into Heaven.

Finally, St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says: "Name them."

 

[brokenshoelace]

Finally, St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says: "Name them."

The lawyer then took him to court, won, and since, all witnesses have to swear an oath, so that each time someone lies, god looks at St. Peter and goes: See what you've done!

 

[RJD11]

A hooded armed robber bursts into the Bank of Italy and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
On his way out the door with the loot, one brave Italian customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shoots the guy without hesitation.
He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him.
One of the tellers is looking straight at him. The robber walks
over and calmly shoots him, too.
Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor. Dida anyone elsa see a my face? calls the robber.
There follows a tense silence. Then an elderly Italian gent,
looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says: I tinka maybe my wifa caughta glimpse

 

[Murat Baslamisli]

This one made me chuckle:

Lady: Do you drink?
Man: Yes
Lady: How much a day?
Man: Three 6 packs
Lady: How much per 6 pack
Man: about $10.00
Lady: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: 15 years
Lady: So 1 6 pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink?
Lady: No
Man: Where's your fu%$#g Ferrari then?

 

[britbox]

A deacon is in the hospital and his good friend, a preacher, goes to visit him.

The preacher notices all the medical equipment attached to the deacon. He kneels by the bed.

The deacon motions to a pad and pen on the nightstand. The preacher hands his friend the pad and pen, and the deacon begins to write. Suddenly, the deacon dies.

At his funeral, the preacher delivers the service. He says, "I was with him when he died, and as a matter of fact, I have his last thought in my coat pocket here."

The preacher pulls out the paper and reads, "Please, get up. You're kneeling on my oxygen hose."

 

[JesuslookslikeBorg]

so the goose says to the hamster..."i sometimes want to be a hamster"

the hamster says to the goose..."me too..i'd also like to be a hamster"

the goose says..."b-but you are a hamster"

and the hamster replies..."no I'm not I'm a surrealist goose".

 

[I.Haychew]

Q: What is Bigphoot's phavorite exercise?
A: Sasquats

 

[I.Haychew]

Scenario...

Man's wiphe has bad accident, is in a coma, and has been in hospital phor days.
Man is in waiting room while nurse gives wiphe sponge bath.
Nurse notices that wiphe's vital signs improve when nurse washes wiphe's genitals.
Nurse then suggests to husband that oral sex may bring wiphe out of coma.
Husband says "Okay, I'll give it a shot."
Husband is given privacy with wiphe.
Phive minutes later, wiphe phlatlines, alarms sound, doctors and nurses rush to the room and ask husband what happened.
Husband says "I'm not sure. I guess she choked."

 

[Kieran]

:lolz: :laydownlaughing :lolz:

And what's with the ph?! :lolz: :clap Sounds almost archaic in a hilarious way...

 

[I.Haychew]

:lolz: :laydownlaughing :lolz:

And what's with the ph?! :lolz: :clap Sounds almost archaic in a hilarious way...

I don't really know. I guess it's just a fase. It'll pass...



...maybe.

 

[Kieran]

:lolz: :laydownlaughing :lolz:

And what's with the ph?! :lolz: :clap Sounds almost archaic in a hilarious way...

I don't really know. I guess it's just a fase. It'll pass...



...maybe.

It pheels contagious! :wow:

 

[JesuslookslikeBorg]

oh phuk it.

 

[brokenshoelace]

Scenario...

Man's wiphe has bad accident, is in a coma, and has been in hospital phor days.
Man is in waiting room while nurse gives wiphe sponge bath.
Nurse notices that wiphe's vital signs improve when nurse washes wiphe's genitals.
Nurse then suggests to husband that oral sex may bring wiphe out of coma.
Husband says "Okay, I'll give it a shot."
Husband is given privacy with wiphe.
Phive minutes later, wiphe phlatlines, alarms sound, doctors and nurses rush to the room and ask husband what happened.
Husband says "I'm not sure. I guess she choked."

I genuinely laughed out loud.

 

[Front242]

^ ROFL !

 

[Front242]

We have lots of Kerryman jokes over here but haven't heard any jokes in literally years except online.

Anyway...a man goes to the doctor with his wife 'cos she's getting some bad heart pains and headaches.
The doctor says "Well, Sir, your wife has acute angina".

The Kerryman replies "Aye and a fine pair of jugs too!"

 

[I.Haychew]

Cubs win World Series!!!

 

[Kieran]

We have lots of Kerryman jokes over here but haven't heard any jokes in literally years except online.

Anyway...a man goes to the doctor with his wife 'cos she's getting some bad heart pains and headaches.
The doctor says "Well, Sir, your wife has acute angina".

The Kerryman replies "Aye and a fine pair of jugs too!"

:laydownlaughing :lolz:

 

[Front242]

Two dyslexic robbers walk into a bank. One says to the other "air in the hands motherstickers, this is a f**k up!"

 

[britbox]

I have read that too much alcohol is bad for you, so for Lent I intend to give up reading.