Corny joke thread

[Murat Baslamisli]

Helen Keller walks into a bar...
then a chair, then the wall...

 

[nehmeth]

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.
Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.
Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.

That one takes the prize Murat.... I even heard the drums going "ba-dum-bum."

 

[Kirijax]

Saw this on a Bette Midler concert DVD.

A man walks into a doctors office. He says, "Doctor, I'm suffering from silent gas emissions. All day at work, I have these silent gas emissions. Last night during a movie, I had 10 silent gas emissions. This morning in the car on the way to your office, I had five silent gas emissions. And while waiting in your waiting room I had three silent gas emissions. Right now, as a matter of fact, I've just had two more."
The doctor replied, "Well, the first thing we're going to do is check is your hearing!"

 

[brokenshoelace]

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.
Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.
Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.

That's genius.

 

[brokenshoelace]

A man and his pet giraffe walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking.
They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other.
Finally, the bartender says: "Last call."
So, the man says, "One more for me... and one more for my giraffe."
The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the giraffe falls over dead.
The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave.
The bartender, yells: "Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."
To which the man replies: "That's not a lion, that's a giraffe."

 

[brokenshoelace]

A gorilla walks into a bar and says, "A scotch on the rocks, please." The gorilla hands the bartender a $10 bill.

The bartender thinks to himself, "This gorilla doesn't know the prices of drinks," and gives him 15 cents change.

The bartender says, "You know, we don't get too many gorillas in here."

The gorilla replies, "Well, at $9.85 a drink, I ain't coming back, either."

 

[Murat Baslamisli]

Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his cars for an upcoming show. His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks.

“Honey, I’ve been thinking, now that we are married, maybe it’s time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage and you should consider selling your cars and your gun collection.”

Tom gets a horrified look on his face. She says, “Darling, what’s wrong?”

“There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife.”

“Ex wife!”, she screams, “YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!!!!!!!”

Tom’s reply: “I wasn’t”.

 

[Murat Baslamisli]

There's an old Jewish man walking on the beach and he comes across a magic lantern. He rubs it and a genie comes out.
The genie says to the old Jewish man, "I will grant you anything you want." The old Jewish man pulls out a map of the Middle East and shows it to the genie and says, "I would like peace in the Middle East between Israelis and the Palestinians." The genie looks at the map and says, "I cannot do that. Anything else?"
And so the Jewish man says, "I would like my wife to blow me one more time."
The genie says, "Let me see that map again."

 

[Murat Baslamisli]

This mob boss gets tired of people ratting him out so he hires a deaf/mute to do his collections. He thinks, if he is ever caught, he cannot say anything.

After a while he starts noticing that cash is going missing and calls the deaf/mute collector in with a sign translator. He tells the translator to ask the collector "Where is the money?"
Translator does his thing and the collector answers. Boss asks the translator" What did he say?" Translator says " He does not know what you are talking about"

Boss gets upset, pulls a gun out of his pocket and puts it on the head of the collector and says to the translator " Ask him again"
The translator asks and the collector tells him in sign language " The money is buried under a tree next to the mail box in the town park, 200Ks. "
The boss asks " What did he say?"
Translator says" He still does not know what you are talking about and he says it takes huge balls to pull that trigger and from what he heard from your wife, you do not have those "



:laydownlaughing