Corny joke thread

[Vince Evert]

Thanks britbox. Sometimes I wonder whether or not I push the boundaries posting some of these jokes as a few are bit crude and some folks out there may find 'em sensitive.

 

[Vince Evert]

Bono is at a U2 concert when he asks the audience for some quiet. Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands. Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone... "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."
A voice from near the front pierces the silence... "Well, fucking stop it then!" :eyepop

 

[britbox]

Thanks britbox. Sometimes I wonder whether or not I push the boundaries posting some of these jokes as a few are bit crude and some folks out there may find 'em sensitive.

No doubt some will buddy, but I personally find them very funny. Keep em coming.

 

[Vince Evert]

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says,

"Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk.

 

[tented]

Thanks britbox. Sometimes I wonder whether or not I push the boundaries posting some of these jokes as a few are bit crude and some folks out there may find 'em sensitive.

You're fine. No one has complained.

 

[Vince Evert]

If you like having sex while listening to music, always choose a live album. That way you'll get an applause every 3 to 4 minutes :laydownlaughing

clap:clap. two minutes and 57 seconds elapsed ..clap:clap

 

[britbox]

I got stopped by a woman in the street today.

She said, "Excuse me, sir, have you had an accident in the last three years that wasn't your fault?"

I said, "Yes, she's nearly 2 now."

 

[Vince Evert]

A beggar said to me, "I haven't eaten in three days".

I said, "Force yourself".

 

[Vince Evert]

A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?" She leaned over the counter and said,
"Burrr-gerrr Kiiing." :laydownlaughing

 

[Vince Evert]

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her 40th birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park.

What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow!

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down.

Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.

Then, it was off to a movie - the latest Disney and what a fabulous adventure!

Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" One eye opened.

"You idiot, I meant my dress size." :laydownlaughing

The moral of this story is: When a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.

 

[Kieran]

:laydownlaughing

Can't win either way, eh?

 

[Vince Evert]

Most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked :snigger

 

[Vince Evert]

A man came across a ticket in an old coat from ‘Smith & Sons Shoe Repairs’, a local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed it was over eleven years old. He showed his wife and they tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago. ‘Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?’ he asked. ‘Not very likely,’ his wife said. ‘It’s worth a try,’ he said, and went downstairs, got into the car, and drove to the store. With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter. With a face just as straight, the man said, ‘Just a minute I’ll have to look for these.’ He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop. Two minutes later, the man called out, ‘Here they are!’ ‘Really?’ the owner of the shoes called back. ‘That’s terrific! Who would have thought they’d still be here after all this time.’ The man came back to the counter, empty-handed. ‘They’ll be ready Thursday,’ he said calmly.

 

[Vince Evert]

Modern women put on wigs, fake eyelashes, false fingernails, sixteen pounds of assorted makeup/ shadows/blushes/creams, living bras, various pads, have plastic surgery, then complain they cannot find a ‘real’ man.

 

[britbox]

To commemorate the death of King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia all of today's hangings will be at half mast.

 

[Kieran]

A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. “You mean a martini?” asks the bartender. The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it.”

 

[nehmeth]

A woman awakes in the middle of the night to find her husband not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye.

"What's the matter dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night!?"

The husband looks up from his drink, "It's the 20th anniversary of the day we met."

She can't believe he has remembered. She starts to tear up.

The husband continues solemnly, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15."

Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.

"Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband pauses... the words were not coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued.

"Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?'"

"I remember that too," she replied softly...

He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."

 

[Murat Baslamisli]

Two policemen call the station on the radio.
"Hello. Is that you Sarge?

"Yes?

"We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean.

"Have you arrested the woman?

"No sir.... The floor is still wet."

 

[nehmeth]

Supposedly this is an actual customer review from a man on Amazon.co.uk after using VEET Hair Removal Cream for Men.

After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit if a treat.

I ordered it well in advance and working in the North Sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...Oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn’t have long to wait.

At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any faith to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling not to bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair.

Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen. By this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid off and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing returned.

Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn’t managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and an tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the Space Shuttle was running its engines behind me.

This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.

Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering “ooooohhh that feels good” Understandably, this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn’t heard her come in, it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction.

I can understand that having a sprout fired against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn’t the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn’t improve my status. So to sum it up, VEET removes hair, dignity and self-respect.

 

[Murat Baslamisli]

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.
Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.
Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.