Jokes
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Mastoor
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When I was a child, I lay with my eyes closed waiting for Santa to come.
Then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and left.
Then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and left.
A Geordie golfer and his wife walked into a dentist's office.
The Geordie said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one hell of a hurry.
I have two mates sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf,so forget about the anaesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I don't have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work!'
The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain."
So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Pet, and show him.
The Geordie said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one hell of a hurry.
I have two mates sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf,so forget about the anaesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I don't have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work!'
The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain."
So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Pet, and show him.
This guy is awesome... for a person with an adverse reaction to political correctness at least...
OK
FUNNY stories --
=============
famous legendary baseball player of the yankees long ago...comes to practice late...
"hey -- why are you late?" they ask: his answer:
"well -- i really sure the subway would be late again -- so i made sure i took it an hour early".
FUNNY stories --
=============
famous legendary baseball player of the yankees long ago...comes to practice late...
"hey -- why are you late?" they ask: his answer:
"well -- i really sure the subway would be late again -- so i made sure i took it an hour early".
ok -- THIS ONE is a very dirty joke:
================
girl runs to her mom washing dishes at the kitchen -- blurting out:
"mommy, mommy -- - i think daddy is GAY:. "
''SHUSH darling don't say such things -- daddy's not gay !!"
"'but mommy, mommy -- he's gay i tell you"
"well darling whatever gave you that idea? that's awful to say things like that" ...
'but mommy, mommy - if daddy's/not gay -- why does his penis taste like SHIT?"
================
girl runs to her mom washing dishes at the kitchen -- blurting out:
"mommy, mommy -- - i think daddy is GAY:. "
''SHUSH darling don't say such things -- daddy's not gay !!"
"'but mommy, mommy -- he's gay i tell you"
"well darling whatever gave you that idea? that's awful to say things like that" ...
'but mommy, mommy - if daddy's/not gay -- why does his penis taste like SHIT?"
LITTLE BOY right after sunday church service is still praying intently -- and parishioners filing out overhear him -- praying to god...
"''god -- i am sorry -- i know you heard that i was a bad boy -- and very naughty -- i know you're very worried god that i won't be ok being naughty -- but you know god -- don't/ you worry -- I'll be JUST FINE JUST the way i am god".
"''god -- i am sorry -- i know you heard that i was a bad boy -- and very naughty -- i know you're very worried god that i won't be ok being naughty -- but you know god -- don't/ you worry -- I'll be JUST FINE JUST the way i am god".
young family in the car dricing home from sudnay church service...
little son in the back seat keeps squirming and moaning ...
father driving says back: "hey timmy -- why are you crying over there//what's wrong did something bad happen during the church service -- did someone frighten you? "
little boy - timmy:
"well 0 sniff, sniff -- daddy - mommy -- i got so frightened by the man the one standing and talking in the front"
"why timmy ''what did the pastor say that frightened you so?: : "
"well daddy -- the man kept saying that he wants all little boys and girls to live in Christian homes -- but i want to live with you and mommy -- waaaahhhh".
little son in the back seat keeps squirming and moaning ...
father driving says back: "hey timmy -- why are you crying over there//what's wrong did something bad happen during the church service -- did someone frighten you? "
little boy - timmy:
"well 0 sniff, sniff -- daddy - mommy -- i got so frightened by the man the one standing and talking in the front"
"why timmy ''what did the pastor say that frightened you so?: : "
"well daddy -- the man kept saying that he wants all little boys and girls to live in Christian homes -- but i want to live with you and mommy -- waaaahhhh".
famous baseball player said this joke"
"''never fail to go to the funerals of your friends -- otherwise they won't go to yours"!!
"''never fail to go to the funerals of your friends -- otherwise they won't go to yours"!!
Moxie
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Vince Evert
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There were 3 rabbits called Foot, Footfoot and Footfootfoot. They often wished they could go to the other side of the meadow where the grass was sweetest but it involved crossing a dangerous highway.
Anyway, Foot one day managed to talk the others into letting him try. So off he went to sample the delights of the sweet meadow. Unfortunately, Foot was hit by a car and killed.
The remaining rabbits were heartbroken and nothing more was said about crossing the pasture until a year later on the anniversary of Foot's death.
'I'd like to cross over to the other side of the meadow where the grass is sweetest just to see what it is like and to honour our ould friend' said Footfoot.
But Footfootfoot stopped him saying 'I can't let you do this, it's dangerous. We already have one foot in the grave'.
Anyway, Foot one day managed to talk the others into letting him try. So off he went to sample the delights of the sweet meadow. Unfortunately, Foot was hit by a car and killed.
The remaining rabbits were heartbroken and nothing more was said about crossing the pasture until a year later on the anniversary of Foot's death.
'I'd like to cross over to the other side of the meadow where the grass is sweetest just to see what it is like and to honour our ould friend' said Footfoot.
But Footfootfoot stopped him saying 'I can't let you do this, it's dangerous. We already have one foot in the grave'.
Vince Evert
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Hans, a middle-aged German tourist on his first visit to Orlando , Florida , finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!
Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!" and walks quickly away.
The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Hans. The sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.
Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson. So she goes over to Hans and says that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap. Hans leans forwards and whispers in her ear .......
"Can I pay in Euros?"
Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!" and walks quickly away.
The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Hans. The sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.
Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson. So she goes over to Hans and says that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap. Hans leans forwards and whispers in her ear .......
"Can I pay in Euros?"
Vince Evert
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Father (after being denied access to his children and having all his assets seized):
Can I address the court?
Judge: Of course.
Father: If I called you an a..hole, what would you do?
Judge: I'd hold you in contempt and sentence you to five days in jail.
Father: What if I thought you were an a...ole ?
Judge: I can't do anything about that. There's no law against thinking.
Father: In that case, I think you're an a..hole
Can I address the court?
Judge: Of course.
Father: If I called you an a..hole, what would you do?
Judge: I'd hold you in contempt and sentence you to five days in jail.
Father: What if I thought you were an a...ole ?
Judge: I can't do anything about that. There's no law against thinking.
Father: In that case, I think you're an a..hole
Vince Evert
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The party of the first part (herein referred to as "she"), being of sound mind and pretty good body, agrees to the following with the party of the second part (herein referred to as "him"):
1. FULL DISCLOSURE: At the commencement of said relationship(colloquially referred to as the "first date"), each party agrees to fully disclose any current girl/boyfriends, dependent children, bizarre religious beliefs, phobias, fears, social diseases, strange political affiliations, or currently active relationships with anyone else that have not yet been terminated. Further, each party agrees to make known any deep-seated complexes and/or fanatical obsessions with pets, careers, and/or organized sports. Failure to make these disclosures will result in the immediate termination of said relationship before it has a chance to get anywhere.
2. INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS: Both parties agree to hold the person who arranged the liaison (colloquially referred to as the "matchmaker") blameless in the event that the "fix-up" turns out to be a "real loser" or "psycho bi..h". (For definition of "real loser", see "John DeLorean: My Story", available at most bookstores, or any picture of Bob Guccione in "Penthouse". For definition of "psycho bi..h," see Sharon Stone in "Basic Instinct" or Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction.")
3. DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP: Should said relationship proceed past the first date, both parties mutually agree to use the following terminology in describing their said "dating": For the first thirty (30) days, both parties consent to say they are "going out". (This neither implies nor states any guarantee of exclusivity.) Following the first thirty (30) days, both parties may say they are "seeing somebody" and may be referred to by third parties as "an item". Sixty (60) days following the commencement of the first date, either member may elect to use the terms "girl/boyfriend" or "lover" and their mutual acquaintances may refer to them as "a couple". Under no circumstances are the phrases "my better half," "the little woman," "the old ball and chain," or "my old man/lady" acceptable. Furthermore, if both members consent, this timetable may be sped up; however, if either party "gets too serious" and disregards this schedule, the other party may dissolve the relationship on the grounds of "moving too fast" and may once again be said to be "on the market."
4. TERMS OF EXCLUSIVITY: For the first thirty (30) days, both parties agree not to ask questions about the other's whereabouts on weekends, weeknights, or over long holiday periods. No unreasonable demands or expectations will be made; "rights" or "holds" on the other's time. Following the first six weeks or forty-five (45) days, if one party continues to be "missing in action" the "wounded party" agrees to "give up".
5. DATING ETIQUETTE: For the first thirty (30) days, both members of the couple agree to be overly considerate of the other's work pressures, schedules, and business ambitions. All dates will be made at least twenty-four (24) hours in advance; there will be no "running off in the middle of the night to console an old girl/boyfriend", and both parties agree to strike the phrase "but he/she needs me" from their vocabularies. Further, during the first six (6) weeks each member of said relationship agrees to attempt one spontaneous home-cooked meal or to arrange the delivery of at least one unexpected bouquet of flowers. Following the first forty-five (45) days, both parties will return to their normal personalities.
6. TERMS OF PAYMENT: It is agreed that -- respective gross income aside "he" will pick up the tab at all dinners, clubs, theaters, and breakfasts until: He considers her suitably impressed, He is broke, or He says, "this is ridiculous, you pay!" Not included in this agreement are meals ordered from the bedroom, which are subject to the availability of discretionary funds on hand at the time.
7. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS (occasionally known as the "Why do I bother to keep my own apartment?" codicil): Should said relationship progress to the point where the couple spends more than four nights a week together, every effort shall be made to split the time between their respective apartments. Further, it is agreed that both sides will attempt to silence the lewd remarks of landlords, or roommates. Both will avoid having their mothers call at 7:30 in the morning. He agrees to "pick up after himself" while in residence at her apartment, including washing his whiskers out of the sink, and assisting with household duties. By the same token, she agrees to respect his right to keep his apartment "a mess".
8. THE 90-DAY GRACE PERIOD: For the first three months, each member of the couple agrees to hold the other blameless in the euphoric use of phrases like "Let's move in together," "Why don't we start a family?" and -- using archaic terminology -- "Let's get married."
9. THE "L" WORD: For the first sixty (60) days, both parties agree not to use the phrase "I love you." They may love plants, dogs, cats, cars, concerts, or the way a particular pair of jeans fits, but not each other. Failure by one party to abide by this will result in the other party using the "G" word ... "Gone."
10. GROUNDS FOR TERMINATION: Any of the following will be grounds for immediate termination and final dissolution of said relationship:
Infidelity: Running off at any time to console an ex-girl/boyfriend,
Ending any argument with the sentence "My ex used to do that same exact thing."
1. FULL DISCLOSURE: At the commencement of said relationship(colloquially referred to as the "first date"), each party agrees to fully disclose any current girl/boyfriends, dependent children, bizarre religious beliefs, phobias, fears, social diseases, strange political affiliations, or currently active relationships with anyone else that have not yet been terminated. Further, each party agrees to make known any deep-seated complexes and/or fanatical obsessions with pets, careers, and/or organized sports. Failure to make these disclosures will result in the immediate termination of said relationship before it has a chance to get anywhere.
2. INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS: Both parties agree to hold the person who arranged the liaison (colloquially referred to as the "matchmaker") blameless in the event that the "fix-up" turns out to be a "real loser" or "psycho bi..h". (For definition of "real loser", see "John DeLorean: My Story", available at most bookstores, or any picture of Bob Guccione in "Penthouse". For definition of "psycho bi..h," see Sharon Stone in "Basic Instinct" or Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction.")
3. DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP: Should said relationship proceed past the first date, both parties mutually agree to use the following terminology in describing their said "dating": For the first thirty (30) days, both parties consent to say they are "going out". (This neither implies nor states any guarantee of exclusivity.) Following the first thirty (30) days, both parties may say they are "seeing somebody" and may be referred to by third parties as "an item". Sixty (60) days following the commencement of the first date, either member may elect to use the terms "girl/boyfriend" or "lover" and their mutual acquaintances may refer to them as "a couple". Under no circumstances are the phrases "my better half," "the little woman," "the old ball and chain," or "my old man/lady" acceptable. Furthermore, if both members consent, this timetable may be sped up; however, if either party "gets too serious" and disregards this schedule, the other party may dissolve the relationship on the grounds of "moving too fast" and may once again be said to be "on the market."
4. TERMS OF EXCLUSIVITY: For the first thirty (30) days, both parties agree not to ask questions about the other's whereabouts on weekends, weeknights, or over long holiday periods. No unreasonable demands or expectations will be made; "rights" or "holds" on the other's time. Following the first six weeks or forty-five (45) days, if one party continues to be "missing in action" the "wounded party" agrees to "give up".
5. DATING ETIQUETTE: For the first thirty (30) days, both members of the couple agree to be overly considerate of the other's work pressures, schedules, and business ambitions. All dates will be made at least twenty-four (24) hours in advance; there will be no "running off in the middle of the night to console an old girl/boyfriend", and both parties agree to strike the phrase "but he/she needs me" from their vocabularies. Further, during the first six (6) weeks each member of said relationship agrees to attempt one spontaneous home-cooked meal or to arrange the delivery of at least one unexpected bouquet of flowers. Following the first forty-five (45) days, both parties will return to their normal personalities.
6. TERMS OF PAYMENT: It is agreed that -- respective gross income aside "he" will pick up the tab at all dinners, clubs, theaters, and breakfasts until: He considers her suitably impressed, He is broke, or He says, "this is ridiculous, you pay!" Not included in this agreement are meals ordered from the bedroom, which are subject to the availability of discretionary funds on hand at the time.
7. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS (occasionally known as the "Why do I bother to keep my own apartment?" codicil): Should said relationship progress to the point where the couple spends more than four nights a week together, every effort shall be made to split the time between their respective apartments. Further, it is agreed that both sides will attempt to silence the lewd remarks of landlords, or roommates. Both will avoid having their mothers call at 7:30 in the morning. He agrees to "pick up after himself" while in residence at her apartment, including washing his whiskers out of the sink, and assisting with household duties. By the same token, she agrees to respect his right to keep his apartment "a mess".
8. THE 90-DAY GRACE PERIOD: For the first three months, each member of the couple agrees to hold the other blameless in the euphoric use of phrases like "Let's move in together," "Why don't we start a family?" and -- using archaic terminology -- "Let's get married."
9. THE "L" WORD: For the first sixty (60) days, both parties agree not to use the phrase "I love you." They may love plants, dogs, cats, cars, concerts, or the way a particular pair of jeans fits, but not each other. Failure by one party to abide by this will result in the other party using the "G" word ... "Gone."
10. GROUNDS FOR TERMINATION: Any of the following will be grounds for immediate termination and final dissolution of said relationship:
Infidelity: Running off at any time to console an ex-girl/boyfriend,
Ending any argument with the sentence "My ex used to do that same exact thing."
A German got pulled over by the police in France.
Police officer: "Name?"
German: "Heinrich Klimt"
Police officer: "Age?"
German: "31"
Police officer: "occupation?"
German: "No, no. Just visiting"
Police officer: "Name?"
German: "Heinrich Klimt"
Police officer: "Age?"
German: "31"
Police officer: "occupation?"
German: "No, no. Just visiting"