Jokes

[britbox]

^ Sounds like it could be true story... on the money

 

[Vince Evert]

Nymphomaniacs Convention

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in he glanced up
and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized that
she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took
the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out "Business trip or
pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business, I'm going to the Annual
Nymphomaniacs of America convention in Chicago,"

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen
sitting
next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your
business
role at the convention?"

"I am the lead lecturer," she responded. "I take what I have learned from
my
own personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about
sexuality."

"Really," he said, "and what kinds of myths are there?"

"Well." she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are
the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American
Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is
that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish
descent that are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with the
absolute best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry"
she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all this with you. I don't
even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

 

[Vince Evert]

Living Life Backwards

In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila ! You finish off as an orgasm !!!!!

 

[Vince Evert]

A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.

The wife answers: 'Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?'

The husband laughs and says: 'An Italian girl!'

The woman kept quiet and left.

Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks:

'So, honey, how was the trip?'

'Very good, thank you.'

'And, what happened to my present?'

'Which present?' She asked.

'The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!'

'Oh, that' she said 'Well, I did what I could; now we'll have to wait for a few months to see if it is a girl!'

Ha-Ha Serves him Right. Silly Fool!

 

[Moxie]

Mr. Zalinsky is coming up on his 90th birthday. His friends pool their funds to send him a young, beautiful "stripper." On the day, she shows up at his house, takes off her robe and tells him, "I'm here to give you SuperSex!" After a pause, Zalinsky says, "I'll have the soup."

 

[Vince Evert]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little s..t on your knee."

 

[britbox]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little s..t on your knee."

 

[Vince Evert]

Bit lengthy but worth a read and adding to this topic -

I was at home the other night in the middle of eating my dinner when the phone rang.

ME: Hello.
AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T.

ME: Is this AT&T.
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T …

ME: This is AT&T.
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T …

ME: Is this AT&T.?
AT&T: Yes! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron, please?

ME: May I ask who is calling?
AT&T: This is AT&T.

ME: OK, hold on.

At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.

ME: Hello?
AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?

ME: May I ask who is calling, please?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T …

ME: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T …

ME: The phone company.
AT&T: Yes, sir.

ME: I thought you said this was AT&T.
AT&T: Yes, sir, we are a phone company.

ME: I already have a phone.
AT&T: We aren’t selling phones today, Mr. Byron. We would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

ME: Now, that’s 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day?
AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes, sir, that’s right! 24 hours a day!

ME: 7 days a week.?
AT&T: That’s right.

ME: 365 days a year.?
AT&T: Yes, sir.

ME: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That’s amazing!
AT&T: We think so!

ME: That’s quite a sum of money!
AT&T: Yes, sir, it’s amazing how it adds up.

ME: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560; and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?
AT&T: Excuse me?

ME: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
AT&T: What are you talking about?

ME: You said you’d give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1008 per week and $52,560 per year. I’m just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.
AT&T: Oh, no, sir. I didn’t mean we’d be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.

ME: Wait a minute, how do you figure that by saying that you’ll give me 10 cents a minute, that I’ll give YOU 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I’ve read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know.

AT&T: No, sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for

ME: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please?
AT&T: Sir, I don’t think that is necessary.

ME: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
AT&T: Yes, Mr. Byron. Please hold.

At this point, I begin trying to finish my dinner.

SUPERVISOR: Mr. Byron?
ME: Yeah.

SUPERVISOR: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.
ME: Is This A T &T?

SUPERVISOR: Yes, sir, it sure is.
ME: (I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be Careful not to produce a snort.) No, actually, I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.

SUPERVISOR: Ok, no problem, I’ll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.
ME: Thank you.

I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I need to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.

AT&T: Hello, Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan.?

ME: No, but I was wondering - do you have that “Friends and Family” thing because I’m an only child and I’d really like to have a little brother…

AT&T: click……..

 

[Tennis Fan]

It's game 7 of the NBA finals and a man makes his way to his seat at center court. He sits down and notices that the seat next to him is empty.

He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone is sitting there. He responds, "No, the seat's empty." "The first man exclaims, "What?!? Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the NBA finals and not use it?"

The neighbor responds, "Well the seat is mine, but my wife passed away and this is the first NBA finals we haven't been together." The first man responds," I'm sorry to hear that. Wasn't there anyone else, a friend or relative, that could've taken that seat?"

The neighbor responds, "No, they're all at the funeral."

That's funny. I wasn't expecting that.

 

[Vince Evert]

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next, Mary said, "We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they're hatched."

"Very good," said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far.

Next it was Barney's turn to tell his story. "My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete."

"Go on," said the teacher, intrigued.

"Aunt Karen drank the whisky on the way down to prepare herself; then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?"

"Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."

 

[Vince Evert]

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well
Waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'
I thought.....Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... they will remember.
My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my handsome Boss Rick, said, 'Good Morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday! '
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Rick knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me..'
I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Rick said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We?' I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'
He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.' After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said,If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.' 'Ok.' I nervously replied.
He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, he came out carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed by my husband my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'. And I just sat there.....
On the couch....
Naked.

 

[Vince Evert]

Kevin's wife came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I've won the lottery!'

Kev said, ' That's Fantastic! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'

'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

 

[Vince Evert]

An old man was working in Gym with help from a personal trainer at which time
a beautiful young girl walks into the Gym. The old man asks "Trainer,
what machine should I use to impress this young girl"?. The trainer looks
at the frail body of the old man and says "I would recommend the
ATM in the lobby"

 

[Vince Evert]

Hubby - You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?

Wife - When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

Hubby - You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?


Wife - Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

 

[Vince Evert]

Nine words women use...

1.) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
right and you have to shut up.

2.) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more
minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something,
and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing
usually end in fine.

4.) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5.) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
Often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an
idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing
with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6.) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a wom a n
can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard
before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say
you're welcome.

8.) Whatever : Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!

9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning
this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but
is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's
wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.

 

[britbox]

Nine words women use...

1.) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
right and you have to shut up.

2.) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more
minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something,
and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing
usually end in fine.

4.) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5.) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
Often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an
idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing
with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6.) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a wom a n
can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard
before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say
you're welcome.

8.) Whatever : Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!

9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning
this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but
is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's
wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.

I concur. This is all true.

 

[Vince Evert]

Ding.....Donnnnng



A guy was standing at the bottom of the stairs listening to the bells. He decided to go up and meet the ringer. So he raced up the many stairs until finally he was standing not three meters away from Quazimodo.

In a soft voice he said "can I ring the bells" as the hunchback pushed his head against the bell
"No training is needed or you will be in danger"
The guy replied to this "C'mon please I'll be careful"
"Be very careful"
Minutes went by and he pushed the bell with the might of his hands
"Can I ring the bell with my head? “The guy asked
"NO, TRAINING"
"I can do it"
"Ok don't say you haven't been warned"

Alas on his first heave he lost balance and when the bell swung back it hit him out the window he fell down the tower to his death. Quazimodo raced down the stairs with all possible speed, when he was at the bottom a small crowd had gathered with a policeman examining the body
He yelled to the crowd..

"Does anybody know this man?”
Quazimodo then answered
"No, but his face rings a bell."

 

[Vince Evert]

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer." The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer. That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "Thats Strange!"

 

[Mastoor]

Nymphomaniacs Convention

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in he glanced up
and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized that
she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took
the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out "Business trip or
pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business, I'm going to the Annual
Nymphomaniacs of America convention in Chicago,"

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen
sitting
next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your
business
role at the convention?"

"I am the lead lecturer," she responded. "I take what I have learned from
my
own personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about
sexuality."

"Really," he said, "and what kinds of myths are there?"

"Well." she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are
the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American
Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is
that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish
descent that are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with the
absolute best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry"
she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all this with you. I don't
even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

That one was popular in former Yugoslavia some 35 years ago. Just then a guy from Montenegro started talking to a beautiful girl at the beach. She was reading the book so he started asking about it. She said there are so many interesting facts in the book. Does it say that the best lovers are guys from Montenegro? No, it says that the most passionate lovers are Hungarians. Does it say that the longest dongs have guys from Montenegro? No, it says that the longest are American Indians. Miss, let me introduce myself, Lajos Winnetou.

 

[britbox]