When you come right down to it, there are only two things you need:
You've got to have sex
and
You've got to have food....
That's it! You don't need clothing, shelter, or computers. Okay, maybe computers.
But otherwise, it's sex and food. But for some reason, sex is dirty.
Maybe our forefathers somehow got it all confused. Somebody said,
"All right, you want to propagate, go ahead, but only late at night, with all the doors closed, man on top, once a week, that's it." But not only can you eat the charred decaying flesh of other major mammals, you can do it in broad daylight and invite all your friends to watch:
"Hey, Chuck, why don't you come over on Sunday? We're going to kill a pig, cut him up, burn him, and eat him. Bring the kids, have a hell of a time." I mean, when ya think about it, does that make any sense at all ???
What if they had been switched around? What if, through a simple twist of fate, sex was clean but food was dirty? Our entire culture would change. Food would become a four-letter word.
When people got angry at you, they'd yell out:
"Oh yeah? Well, food you !"
"Suck cheese you Popsicle slurper."
Punks in passing cars would flip you the fork.
Flashers would have pizzas strapped to their chests.
"Ohmigod. It's a pepperoni."
"Never mind that. Just look at his sausage"
Locker room talk would change.
"Hey, man, how'd you do this weekend?"
"Two burgers and a bag of fries. Crinkle cut."
Garlic would be illegal in most Southern states.
Supermarkets would check I.D.'s and charge admission to the poultry section.
Frederick's of Hollywood would feature:
peekaboo napkins, day-of-the-week paper plates, racy tablecloths.
Foreplay would be listed as a menu selection.
Vice squads would conduct raids on backyard barbecues.
"All right, put down your meat."
"Just back away from the buns, mister."
Vegetarians would be prohibited from becoming teachers.
Most suburban school districts would ban Home Ec. courses.
Hookers would become traveling gourmet cooks.
You'd be accosted on street corners by plump ladies in Day-Glo aprons.
"Hey, big boy, looking for a hot meal ?"
"Wanna crack some crab ?"
Fundamental Christians would make meat and potatoes a religious tenet.
Many sexual positions would be found to be carcinogenic.
Parents would tell children not to play with their food or they'll go blind. Kids would remember the first time their Mother caught them marinating.
