Jokes

[britbox]

Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips. After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.

She writes a note to her husband: 'Honey, Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times.

The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife That if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times.

 

[Federberg]

 

[britbox]

^ Ha ha ha! Laughing....

 

[brokenshoelace]

LMAO

 

[Vince Evert]

Classic One Liners...

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?


If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.

I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".

When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on.

I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain.

Where do they get the seeds to plant seedless watermelons?

Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

 

[Vince Evert]

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it..

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an OFFENCE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public figure, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALLING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required.
Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 to 9
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client

And remember:
Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to p..s us off.

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Quick Reply
Subject: Senior Banking

 

[britbox]

My mother said "you treat this place like a hotel"......

She will regret that when I give her a low score on TripAdvisor for 'rude staff'

 

[britbox]

They say 40 is the new 30... that argument didn't work when I was disputing a recent speeding fine.

 

[Vince Evert]

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.
Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost." So they laid off the night watchman B-)

 

[britbox]

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.
Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost." So they laid off the night watchman B-)

Many a word of truth said in jest

 

[britbox]

Apparently saying "whoever smelt it dealt it" doesn't work when it comes to airport sniffer dogs!!

 

[britbox]

 

[Federberg]

 

[Federberg]

An Inspirational speaker said: "The best days of my life were the days I spent with another man's Wife"

Audience were in shock and silence. He added: "and she is my Mother".

A big round of applause and laughter followed.

One Man who listened to the speech decided to crack this at home. After dinner, he said to his wife, "The best days of my life were the days I spent with another Man's wife...."

After a moment he tried to recall the second line..

But by the time he regained his senses, he was on hospital bed recovering from burns of hot water poured by his wife.

MORAL LESSON: Don't copy if you cannot paste!!!!!!!

 

[britbox]

I nearly talked my way out of a speeding fine earlier by telling this Police woman she looked bloody stunning

Then I went and messed it up by saying, 'And that's not the drink talking either'

 

[Federberg]

A man sees a sign outside a house:
'Talking Dog For Sale'....He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog.
"Yes!" The Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story!"
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired!"
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid!" The owner says.
"£10? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying cunt. He's never been out of the garden!"

 

[Nekro]

The apostles are chatting, and one of them says: guys, the master has never been with a woman, we have to do something about this. They come up with an idea, Mary Magdalene will do the job, so they send her into Jesus' house. and are waiting anxiously nearby. After a while they hear big screaming and Mary bolts out of the house and is out of sight in a sec. The disciples run to Jesus: "master!!! what happened???" "Mary Magdalene came in my room and took off her clothes, i saw there was a wound between her legs so i healed it for her"

 

[Federberg]

Don't know how to copy a whatsapp image into here so I'll write it instead....(for non-Brits, Dear Deirdre is an agony aunt in the Sun newspaper)

"Dear Deirdre,
I was watching my next door neighbour's daughter sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was knocking one out I turned to notice my wife just stood there, arms folded, watching me. Is she a pervert?
Anon"

 

[Nekro]

In the 60s in the Soviet Union the phone starts to ring in the KGB Office: "It's Kohn speaking, i want to let you know that Rabinovic, my neighbour is a class enemy. He's hiding diamonds in the logs in his shed." The KGB go out, they chop all the logs to pieces, they don't find anything. Later Rabinovic calls his neighbour: "Was the KGB there?" "yes" "Did they chop up the wood?" "Yes. And now return the favour. My vegetable garden needs to be dug up"


The children learn at school about the 5 year plan. Next day the teacher is asking little Igor about it. He answers: "thanks to the 5 year plan, at the end of the year we'll have such an amount of potatoes it will reach God's feet." The Teacher: " but Igor, you know that there is no God" Igor: "And? Is there potato?"

 

[Nekro]

-What's the difference between teachers and pedophiles?
-???
-Pedophiles like children.


-How does the blonde woman kill a fish?
-She drowns it in water.


The rabbit, the bear and the crow are travelling together on a plane.
The crow says to the bear:
-Please bring a whiskey to me!
The bear goes and brings a whiskey to the crow.
The rabbit also says to the bear:
-Bring me a whiskey!
The bear goes and brings a whiskey to the rabbit too.
The crow goes to the bear and pecks him. No reaction. The rabbit goes to the bear and kicks him in the leg. Still nothing. The crow pours the whiskey on the bear's head. Nothing. The rabbit puts out his cigar on the bear's hand.
The bear stands up, grabs the rabbit and the crow, opens the door and throws them out of the plane.
They are falling down, the crow asks the rabbit:
-Rabbit, can you fly?
-No.
-Then why did you fuck with the bear on an airplane?


Wife to the husband, at 9am:
-Dear, don't you want me to make scrambled eggs for you?
-No thanks, this Viagra took away my appetite.
Wife at 1pm
.Wouldn't you like to eat something for lunch?
-Thanks but the Viagra killed my appetite totally, i'm not hungry at all.
Wife to her hub at 6pm
-Wouldn't you like to eat a bit of broth for dinner?
-No, I'm not hungry. The Viagra....
-All right, then would you get off me please. I'm almost starved to death already....