Moxie
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What is Donald Trump telling Barack Obama supporters? Orange Is The New Black.
Jokes
- Thread starter britbox
- Start date
Federberg
The GOAT
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A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past
Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He
told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000the jeweler said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated,
'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now
and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon.'
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said
'Sir...There's no money in that account.
''I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.’
Not All Seniors Are Senile...
Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He
told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000the jeweler said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated,
'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now
and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon.'
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said
'Sir...There's no money in that account.
''I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.’
Not All Seniors Are Senile...
Federberg
The GOAT
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“Daddy, why do people hang horses?†asked my daughter.
“Nobody hangs horses, darling,†I consoled her in my lap. “Who told you that people hang horses?â€
“I just heard mummy on the phone saying that her new boss was hung like a horse.â€
“Nobody hangs horses, darling,†I consoled her in my lap. “Who told you that people hang horses?â€
“I just heard mummy on the phone saying that her new boss was hung like a horse.â€
My wife came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her.
So I hit her over the head with my Xbox.
So I hit her over the head with my Xbox.
brokenshoelace
Grand Slam Champion
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Vince Evert
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A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem . While they were there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the husband, “You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in The Holy Land, for $150."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. “I just can't take that chance."
The undertaker told the husband, “You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in The Holy Land, for $150."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. “I just can't take that chance."
Vince Evert
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A ragged and penniless young student got on board a busy commuter train one afternoon and found the only available seat was opposite a wealthy looking middle-aged businessman.
After a while, the businessman took out an expensive pocket watch, looked at it and put it away again.
A moment later, the student spoke: "Excuse me sir, could you tell me the time?"
And the businessman said: "No".
Quite taken aback, the student asked "why not?"
And the businessman said: "Young man, if I told you the time, we would start a conversation and we would soon be talking about the weather, politics, religion and the pitiful state of English rugby.
"Then I would feel obliged to invite you home to dinner, where you would meet my beautiful, vivacious 19-year-old daughter.
"You would fall in love with her, and she with you, and you would then ask to marry her and I would be obliged to say yes.
"Do you think I want my only daughter to marry someone who can't afford a watch?"
After a while, the businessman took out an expensive pocket watch, looked at it and put it away again.
A moment later, the student spoke: "Excuse me sir, could you tell me the time?"
And the businessman said: "No".
Quite taken aback, the student asked "why not?"
And the businessman said: "Young man, if I told you the time, we would start a conversation and we would soon be talking about the weather, politics, religion and the pitiful state of English rugby.
"Then I would feel obliged to invite you home to dinner, where you would meet my beautiful, vivacious 19-year-old daughter.
"You would fall in love with her, and she with you, and you would then ask to marry her and I would be obliged to say yes.
"Do you think I want my only daughter to marry someone who can't afford a watch?"
Ha ha @Robert Zimmerman , keep em coming.
---
My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will pick on him because of his name.
I said "Don't be silly SomeOneYourOwnSize, Why would anyone pick on you?"
---
My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will pick on him because of his name.
I said "Don't be silly SomeOneYourOwnSize, Why would anyone pick on you?"
Vince Evert
Multiple Major Winner
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My Dear husband,
I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you. I've been a good
wife to you for the last 20 years and I have nothing to show for it. The
last two weeks have been hell.
Your boss called to tell me that you left your job today, which was the last
straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't even notice I had a new hairstyle, had
cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new nightie. You ate in 2
minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching your TV soaps.
You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that
connects us as husband and wife.
Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore. Whatever the
case, I'm gone.
Your EX-Wife
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your BROTHER & I are moving to New Zealand
together! Have a great life!
REPLY:
Dear Ex-wife,
Nothing could have made my day more than receiving your letter.
It's true you and I have been married for 20 years, although a good woman is
a far cry from what you've been.
I watch TV soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and
bitching. Too bad that doesn't work any more.
I DID notice when you got a hair do last week, but the first thing that came
to mind was 'You look just like a boy!'
Since my father raised me not to say anything if you can't say something
nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked "my favourite meal," you must
have got me confused with MY BROTHER because I haven't eaten prawns for 7
years.
About the new nightie: I turned away from you because the £299.99 price tag
was still on it, and I prayed it was a coincidence that my brother had just
borrowed £300 from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out. So, when
I won the £20 million Lotto on Saturday, I quit my job and bought 2
first-class tickets for us for a world cruise. But when I got home you were
gone.
Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you find the fulfilling
life you always wanted.
My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a penny from
me.
So take care.
Your Ex-Husband, Rich as Hell and Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was born
Carla.
I hope that's not a problem.
I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you. I've been a good
wife to you for the last 20 years and I have nothing to show for it. The
last two weeks have been hell.
Your boss called to tell me that you left your job today, which was the last
straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't even notice I had a new hairstyle, had
cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new nightie. You ate in 2
minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching your TV soaps.
You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that
connects us as husband and wife.
Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore. Whatever the
case, I'm gone.
Your EX-Wife
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your BROTHER & I are moving to New Zealand
together! Have a great life!
REPLY:
Dear Ex-wife,
Nothing could have made my day more than receiving your letter.
It's true you and I have been married for 20 years, although a good woman is
a far cry from what you've been.
I watch TV soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and
bitching. Too bad that doesn't work any more.
I DID notice when you got a hair do last week, but the first thing that came
to mind was 'You look just like a boy!'
Since my father raised me not to say anything if you can't say something
nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked "my favourite meal," you must
have got me confused with MY BROTHER because I haven't eaten prawns for 7
years.
About the new nightie: I turned away from you because the £299.99 price tag
was still on it, and I prayed it was a coincidence that my brother had just
borrowed £300 from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out. So, when
I won the £20 million Lotto on Saturday, I quit my job and bought 2
first-class tickets for us for a world cruise. But when I got home you were
gone.
Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you find the fulfilling
life you always wanted.
My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a penny from
me.
So take care.
Your Ex-Husband, Rich as Hell and Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was born
Carla.
I hope that's not a problem.
Vince Evert
Multiple Major Winner
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A bodybuilder picks up a woman at a bar and takes her home with him.
He takes off his shirt and the woman says, "What a great a chest you have."
The bodybuilder tells her "That's 1000 lbs. of dynamite."
He takes off his pants and the woman says, "What massive calves you have."
The bodybuilder tells her, "That's 1000 lbs. of dynamite."
He then takes off his underwear and the woman goes running and screaming out of the apartment. The bodybuilder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He finally catches up to her and asks her why she ran out of the apartment.
"I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw what a short fuse you have!"
He takes off his shirt and the woman says, "What a great a chest you have."
The bodybuilder tells her "That's 1000 lbs. of dynamite."
He takes off his pants and the woman says, "What massive calves you have."
The bodybuilder tells her, "That's 1000 lbs. of dynamite."
He then takes off his underwear and the woman goes running and screaming out of the apartment. The bodybuilder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He finally catches up to her and asks her why she ran out of the apartment.
"I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw what a short fuse you have!"
Vince Evert
Multiple Major Winner
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1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't
plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with
me. Good Job!
5. Are you Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical
condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us
does.
10. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are
no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
2. Sorry, officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't
plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with
me. Good Job!
5. Are you Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical
condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us
does.
10. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are
no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
No: 10 I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are
no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
----
"My car has a recall on it for unexplained acceleration and I'm on my way to get it fixed!"
no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
----
"My car has a recall on it for unexplained acceleration and I'm on my way to get it fixed!"
A woman is standing looking in the bedroom mirror… She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly… I really need you to pay me a compliment.â€
The husband replies, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.â€
The husband replies, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.â€
Vince Evert
Multiple Major Winner
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Let's call this 'David's Parrot'...
A guy name David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft
music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then suddenly there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out
onto David's extended arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will
endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness." David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was just about to ask what had caused such a dramatic change when the parrot continued: "I just have one question. May I ask what it was that the chicken in there did?"
A guy name David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft
music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then suddenly there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out
onto David's extended arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will
endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness." David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was just about to ask what had caused such a dramatic change when the parrot continued: "I just have one question. May I ask what it was that the chicken in there did?"
Vince Evert
Multiple Major Winner
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