Jokes
- Thread starter britbox
- Start date
Little Johnny came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard.
Rigor Mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air.
When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad that's great," said Little Johnny.
A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"
"What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, 'Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming'. If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
Rigor Mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air.
When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad that's great," said Little Johnny.
A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"
"What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, 'Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming'. If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
After performing an ultrasound scan, the doctor tells the expecting mother: "I have some good news, and I have some bad news."
"The good news is that your child will never have a problem finding a parking spot."
"The good news is that your child will never have a problem finding a parking spot."
Israeli-Palestinian war.... Israeli tank chasing arab fighter who is shooting at it with the machine gun but can't do serious damage... at one point he runs out of ammo so he stops and is waiting for death... However, the tank stops too, the hatch opens and the jew shouts to the Arab:
-What is it stupid arab, you ran out of ammo?
-Allahu Akbar, yes....
The jew reaches down for something :
-And do you want to buy some?
The jewish woman is giving birth to baby.. After 30 minutes of labour the doc says: the hardest part is over, its nose is out...
The Lord has had enough of the sins of the world and announces he's going to destroy the world after 7 days with flood....The leaders of the world make speeches on TV:
American president: Fellow Americans, we have a week to try to get to heaven with fasting, praying and charity...
Russians: We have 1 week to open the warehouses, take home the food, the vodka and try to live well.
Jews: We have one week to learn to live underwater!!!!
Kohn and Grün have their shops next to each other. Kohn buys beef from Grün... Next day:
-Grün, the beef was inedible....
-Inedible? I thought you wanted to sell it.
What's the difference between the rich and the poor jew? The poor jew washes his mercedes himself...
The jewish kid is kicking the football at the wall of the church... The priest comes out, "stop that or i'll baptize you......", but the kid continues so the priest comes out, takes him under his armpit and christens the kid....He gets home and tells the news to his mother, who gives him a good beating..... His father comes home from work, he beats him too.... The kid runs out to the street and says: "I've been a Christian only for 2 hours but i already hate the jews!!!"
-What is it stupid arab, you ran out of ammo?
-Allahu Akbar, yes....
The jew reaches down for something :
-And do you want to buy some?
The jewish woman is giving birth to baby.. After 30 minutes of labour the doc says: the hardest part is over, its nose is out...
The Lord has had enough of the sins of the world and announces he's going to destroy the world after 7 days with flood....The leaders of the world make speeches on TV:
American president: Fellow Americans, we have a week to try to get to heaven with fasting, praying and charity...
Russians: We have 1 week to open the warehouses, take home the food, the vodka and try to live well.
Jews: We have one week to learn to live underwater!!!!
Kohn and Grün have their shops next to each other. Kohn buys beef from Grün... Next day:
-Grün, the beef was inedible....
-Inedible? I thought you wanted to sell it.
What's the difference between the rich and the poor jew? The poor jew washes his mercedes himself...
The jewish kid is kicking the football at the wall of the church... The priest comes out, "stop that or i'll baptize you......", but the kid continues so the priest comes out, takes him under his armpit and christens the kid....He gets home and tells the news to his mother, who gives him a good beating..... His father comes home from work, he beats him too.... The kid runs out to the street and says: "I've been a Christian only for 2 hours but i already hate the jews!!!"
Moxie
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Moxie
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Ossett is a place near Wakefield (if you're into rugby you might have heard of it).
The answer to the question "How Ossett got it's name" is the Romans wanted to take it over & they were talking to each other about how they were going to do it. 1 said to their leader "Shall we walk it to that town to take it over?" The leader said "No, we'll hoss it."
I don't know how many of our slang terms you know so I'll tell you that hoss is a British slang term for a horse.
Moxie
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Federberg
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Obviously it was staged, hence putting it in the joke section. And yes I thought it was hilarious
Thank you very much. I'm glad you like it. I loved it when I 1st heard it. I'm interested in etymology so thought I was being asked a serious question but soon got the joke. Lol. I forgot the Brits on here are in a minority & tried my best to explain. The pronunciation of the place-name is osit (a bit more explanation for people who aren't British) so it's just a bit of word-play which I'm fond of.
Federberg
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Life's Solutions
1. I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning.
~
2. My wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's 25 and her name is Heather.
~
3. Went to our local bar with my wife last night. Locals started shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my wife is 24 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
~
4. My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's three schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
~
5. The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.
~
6. A man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead." The operator says, "How do you know?" The man says, "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!
~
7. I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a pig. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."
~
8. My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Oxfam to get all of her clothes back.
1. I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning.
~
2. My wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's 25 and her name is Heather.
~
3. Went to our local bar with my wife last night. Locals started shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my wife is 24 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
~
4. My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's three schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
~
5. The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.
~
6. A man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead." The operator says, "How do you know?" The man says, "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!
~
7. I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a pig. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."
~
8. My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Oxfam to get all of her clothes back.
