Jokes

[Federberg]

 

[tented]

I have a friend who has sex 3-4 times a week. Works out every day. And reads at least two books a week.
But all this guy ever does is complain about prison.

 

[Kieran]

 

[Federberg]

 

[tented]

I came out of shops and there was a woman crying her eyes out. She'd lost all her holiday money.

I felt so sorry for her I gave her £50.

I don't usually do that kind of thing but I'd just found £2000 in the car park.

 

[tented]

A psychopath breaks into a house
In the bedroom, he finds a husband and wife sleeping. He grabs his knife, wakes them up and gets the knife close to wife's neck.
"What is your name?” he asks her.
"Anna", she replies while shaking with fear.
"That was my mother's name", says the psychopath, "I will not kill you then".
Next, he gets the knife close to husband's neck and asks him the same question.
"John", replies the husband, "but all my friends call me Anna.”

 

[Federberg]

 

[tented]

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 95%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.

 

[tented]

 

[tented]

There once was a man
From Cork who got limericks
And haikus confused

 

[tented]

 

[Federberg]

I can’t even…

 

[tented]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!”
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: .“You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

 

[Federberg]

Mr. and Mrs. Wong have a baby boy.
The nurse brings out a WHITE baby boy. The confused father says Two Wongs don't make a White and they named him...
Sum Ting Wong

 

[Federberg]

Pure gold

 

[tented]

Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says...
"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach."
He continues, "I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ... and she's always sound asleep."

 

[tented]

 

[Kieran]

Doctor: I have good news and bad news.

Patient: OK, first, what's the good news?

Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.

Patient: Oh god, just 24 hours to live, that is good news? I cant t imagine what the bad news is going to be.

Doctor: I forgot to phone you yestersay.

 

[Federberg]

I have to share this with you. It’s fantastic!!

 

[Federberg]