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Federberg
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A biker walks into a bar and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.
He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows: Hamburger - 2.99, Cheeseburger - 3.99, Chicken Sandwich - 4.99, Hand Jobs - 19.99
The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, busty, beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties.
She smiles at the biker coyly, and he asks in a quiet voice "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" The bartender blushes slightly and says "Yes, I am" with a sexy little smile.
The biker grins and says "Well wash your hands, because I want a cheeseburger."
He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows: Hamburger - 2.99, Cheeseburger - 3.99, Chicken Sandwich - 4.99, Hand Jobs - 19.99
The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, busty, beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties.
She smiles at the biker coyly, and he asks in a quiet voice "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" The bartender blushes slightly and says "Yes, I am" with a sexy little smile.
The biker grins and says "Well wash your hands, because I want a cheeseburger."
Federberg
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A gay couple is traveling on a plane. Let's call them Steve and Bill.
"What if we had sex?" asks Steve.
"Are you crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it..."
"Nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!"
Steve stands up and asks loudly:
"Could I have a pencil, please?"
Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc.
"They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Bill.
So Steve and Bill have wild sex on the plane.
Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth.
"Sir, you should've asked for a bag!"
"I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a pencil and he got fucked in the ass..."
"What if we had sex?" asks Steve.
"Are you crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it..."
"Nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!"
Steve stands up and asks loudly:
"Could I have a pencil, please?"
Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc.
"They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Bill.
So Steve and Bill have wild sex on the plane.
Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth.
"Sir, you should've asked for a bag!"
"I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a pencil and he got fucked in the ass..."
Kieran
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Perhaps we need a new thread for “Dumbassery”
Federberg
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Kieran
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The not so funny thing about this is that I know people like this, every time in a restaurant, “Is this bread and butter pudding vegan? Cos I only eat vegan”:
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Kieran
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He was in Curb Your Enthusiasm too, I only just discovered Portlandia. You’re probably all very familiar with him in America.”I’m sorry to interrupt - I have exactly the same question.”
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Fred Armisen — he became popular on Saturday Night Live, before branching off into other things. He’s very funny.
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An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up.
Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" She calls their father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing. The two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper. DO YOU HEAR ME?” She hangs up the phone.
The old man turns to his wife and says, "Okay, they’re both coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares.
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up.
Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" She calls their father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing. The two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper. DO YOU HEAR ME?” She hangs up the phone.
The old man turns to his wife and says, "Okay, they’re both coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares.
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I was surprised when my deadbeat roommate actually had rent money on time
"Yeah, man, I got a job."
"Doing what?," I asked.
"I hang out in the alley and give blow jobs."
"Sounds like a hard way to make money."
"Nah, man, my very first night I made $300.05"
I scoffed, "Who paid you a nickel?"
He said, "They all did."
"Yeah, man, I got a job."
"Doing what?," I asked.
"I hang out in the alley and give blow jobs."
"Sounds like a hard way to make money."
"Nah, man, my very first night I made $300.05"
I scoffed, "Who paid you a nickel?"
He said, "They all did."
Federberg
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I've just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman.
It's actually very rewarding but on the same note, quite challenging.
it took me ages to get her husband's voice just right.
It's actually very rewarding but on the same note, quite challenging.
it took me ages to get her husband's voice just right.
Kieran
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How do you stop two blind guys from fighting?
Shout, "I'm betting on the guy with the knife."
Shout, "I'm betting on the guy with the knife."