Jokes

[Federberg]

Paddy and Murphy fancy a pint but only have £1 between them...
Paddy goes off and buys a sausage.
Murphy says, "Are you mad!? Now we're skint!"
"Come on", says Paddy, "follow me".
They go into the pub and order two pints and drink them before they pay.
Paddy shoves the sausage through his zipper of his jeans and tells Murphy to get down on his knees and suck it.
The barman goes berserk and throws them out.
10 pubs and 10 pints each later, Murphy says, "I can't do this anymore, my knee's are too sore and I'm pissed"
"How do you think I feel?" says Paddy, "I can't even remember which pub I lost the bloody sausage in!!"

 

[Horsa]

Paddy and Murphy fancy a pint but only have £1 between them...
Paddy goes off and buys a sausage.
Murphy says, "Are you mad!? Now we're skint!"
"Come on", says Paddy, "follow me".
They go into the pub and order two pints and drink them before they pay.
Paddy shoves the sausage through his zipper of his jeans and tells Murphy to get down on his knees and suck it.
The barman goes berserk and throws them out.
10 pubs and 10 pints each later, Murphy says, "I can't do this anymore, my knee's are too sore and I'm pissed"
"How do you think I feel?" says Paddy, "I can't even remember which pub I lost the bloody sausage in!!"

Lol.

 

[britbox]

Thought this was pretty funny. It was actually on display outside a church around here.

 

[GameSetAndMath]

Thought this was pretty funny. It was actually on display outside a church around here.

View attachment 1846

Sorry to make a serious post in jokes thread. You should read this book to learn more about forgiveness .

 

[britbox]

Sorry to make a serious post in jokes thread.

I'll forgive you.

 

[GameSetAndMath]

I'll forgive you.

Thanks for forgiving me; but, unless you read this book, you will not really know that you forgave me.

 

[Federberg]

One Testicle


There once was an Indian who had only one testicle
And whose given name was 'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment,

Onestone finally cracked and said,'

If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said,

'Good morning, Onestone.'
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.

He made love to her all the next day,

Until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until

A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin,

Was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.

She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,

Then he made love to her all day,

Made love to her all night,

Made love to her all the next day,

Made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!


Why ???




OH, come on... Take a guess !!!




Think about it !!!



You're going to love this !!!





Everyone knows..




You can't kill Two Birds




With


OneStone !!!

 

[Horsa]

One Testicle


There once was an Indian who had only one testicle
And whose given name was 'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment,

Onestone finally cracked and said,'

If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said,

'Good morning, Onestone.'
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.

He made love to her all the next day,

Until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until

A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin,

Was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.

She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,

Then he made love to her all day,

Made love to her all night,

Made love to her all the next day,

Made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!


Why ???




OH, come on... Take a guess !!!




Think about it !!!



You're going to love this !!!





Everyone knows..




You can't kill Two Birds




With


OneStone !!!

Good 1.

 

[Federberg]

NO MORE GILRS NIGHT OUT!!

Two wives go out for a girls' night. Both got drunk, started walking home and had to pee. They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with. One used her panties, the other grabbed a wreath off a grave. The next morning one husband called the other and said "no more girls' night out! My wife came back with no panties". The other husband said, "you think that's bad? Mine came back with a card in her crack that read "from all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you!"

 

[Federberg]

Here is the official letter that all men must send their female partner by the latest June 13, 2018

~~~~~

Dear Sweetheart;

The FIFA World Cup begins on the 14th of June.

During this period I won’t have time for you, not that I’m cheating or no longer wish to be with you, but I will have to make every effort to watch every single match.

I will not be attending any social events such as, weddings, funerals, parties etc. during this period so plz DO NOT ASK!!!.

I know you see it as only 22 men chasing a ball but it’s absolutely important that you keep such thoughts to yourself and do not express them during this period....

Here are a few guidelines to ensure a smooth and argument-free month:

1. Don’t say it’s just a game because it’s not!

2. Plz limit or avoid walking during matches

3. The remote control remains with me all the time

4. You support the Country I support. Not the team that has guys you think are cute

5. Kindly place your phone on silent

6. Never, ever walk in front of the TV while am watching a match!

7. World Cup is played by Countries only so plz don’t ask me which team is Barcelona!

Thanks in advance, we look forward to your cooperation and your utter silence.

Sincerely yours,

 

[Horsa]

Here is the official letter that all men must send their female partner by the latest June 13, 2018

~~~~~

Dear Sweetheart;

The FIFA World Cup begins on the 14th of June.

During this period I won’t have time for you, not that I’m cheating or no longer wish to be with you, but I will have to make every effort to watch every single match.

I will not be attending any social events such as, weddings, funerals, parties etc. during this period so plz DO NOT ASK!!!.

I know you see it as only 22 men chasing a ball but it’s absolutely important that you keep such thoughts to yourself and do not express them during this period....

Here are a few guidelines to ensure a smooth and argument-free month:

1. Don’t say it’s just a game because it’s not!

2. Plz limit or avoid walking during matches

3. The remote control remains with me all the time

4. You support the Country I support. Not the team that has guys you think are cute

5. Kindly place your phone on silent

6. Never, ever walk in front of the TV while am watching a match!

7. World Cup is played by Countries only so plz don’t ask me which team is Barcelona!

Thanks in advance, we look forward to your cooperation and your utter silence.

Sincerely yours,

Haha! I guess I would be the dream girlfriend then as I'd be busy making drinks & reading books. I'd support no team but wouldn't be a problem as I'd be busy reading. The only disturbance I'd cause is if I needed to change my book.

 

[Horsa]

I just came across this 1 & thought it was very funny.

I've just swallowed a dictionary. It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.

Haha!

 

[Vince Evert]

Bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman –
“Which book has helped you most in your life?”
The woman replied, “My husband’s check book!!”


Someone asked an old man: “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife – darling, honey, luv. What’s the secret?"
Old man: “I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her."


There are 3 kinds of men in this world. Some remain single and make wonders happen. Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen. Rest get married and wonder what happened!

When a married man says, I WILL THINK ABOUT IT -
what he really means is that he doesn't know his wife's opinion yet.

 

[Vince Evert]

A lady says to her doctor: "My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep!
What should I give him to cure it?"

The doctor replies: "Give him an opportunity to speak when he's awake! "


Pharmacist to customer: “Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription ...
Simply showing marriage certificate and wife’s picture is not enough !

 

[Horsa]

Haha!

 

[Vince Evert]

A Diplomat is a person who...

always knows what to talk about, but doesn't always talk about
what he knows.

always tries to settle problems created by other diplomats.

can always make himself misunderstood.

can bring home the bacon without spilling the beans.

can convince his wife not to hide her nice body under a
floor-length sable.

can convince his wife to show off her new coat in a bus rather
than in a taxi.

can juggle a hot potato long enough for it to become a cold issue.

can keep his shirt on while getting something off his chest.

can look happy when he has unexpected dinner guests.

can make his wife believe she will look fat in a mink coat.

can make nothing sound like something.

can put his best foot forward when he doesn't have a leg to
stand on.

can put his foot down without stepping on someone's toes.

can say the nastiest things in the nicest way.

can tell a man he's open-minded when he means he has a hole
in his head.

can tell you to go to hell so tactfully that you look forward
to the trip.

comes right out and says what he thinks when he agrees with you.

divides his time between running for office and running for cover.

has a straightforward way of dodging issues.

knows how far to go before he goes too far.

lets you do all the talking while he gets what he wants.

never tells a woman how nice she looks in a gown. He tells her
how nice the gown looks on her.

puts his cards on the table, but still has some up each sleeve.

straddles an issue whenever he isn't dodging one.

will approach every question with an open mouth.

will lay down your life for his country.

will refuse to answer any question on the ground it might
eliminate him.

Top

 

[Vince Evert]

 

[Vince Evert]

Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.
He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:
·My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
·My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."
·My son, "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."
·"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".
Sarah replies, "Property ? .....
He had a paper round”.

 

[britbox]

I see Shania Twain has been boasting about her new Subaru on Twitter.

That don't Impreza me much.

 

[Federberg]