Jokes

[Federberg]

 

[tented]

 

[Murat Baslamisli]

Like finding a fry with your onion rings...I like that too ! Brilliant !

 

[Federberg]

I SAW A JOB ADVERTISED AS A FANNY WAXERS ASSISTANT. JOB INCLUDES REMOVING LADIES KNICKERS, PREPARE FANNY FOR WAXING AND RUB OIL IN AFTER WAXING.

WHEN I ASKED AT THE JOB CENTRE THEY SAID I HAD TO GO TO CORNWALL. I SAID WHY, IS THAT WHERE THE JOB IS? NO, THEY SAID, THAT'S WHERE THE BACK OF THE FUCKING QUEUE IS!!

 

[Front242]

I SAW A JOB ADVERTISED AS A FANNY WAXERS ASSISTANT. JOB INCLUDES REMOVING LADIES KNICKERS, PREPARE FANNY FOR WAXING AND RUB OIL IN AFTER WAXING.

WHEN I ASKED AT THE JOB CENTRE THEY SAID I HAD TO GO TO CORNWALL. I SAID WHY, IS THAT WHERE THE JOB IS? NO, THEY SAID, THAT'S WHERE THE BACK OF THE FUCKING QUEUE IS!!

Funny reading this cos I'm guessing many posters here think fanny = ass and not many women have a hairy ass thankfully. Always found it extremely weird hearing a person's ass referred to as their fanny.

 

[tented]

Funny reading this cos I'm guessing many posters here think fanny = ass and not many women have a hairy ass thankfully. Always found it extremely weird hearing a person's ass referred to as their fanny.

I thought it meant ass, and only now, thanks to you, realize it’s different where you guys come from.

 

[Front242]

I thought it meant ass, and only now, thanks to you, realize it’s different where you guys come from.

Very different It's not a word used often by young people. Mostly older generations.

 

[Vince Evert]

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park until one day, an angel came down from heaven. "You've been such exemplary statues" the angel said "that I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, during which time you can do anything you want". And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. The two approached each other a bit shyly and dashed for the bushes, from whence there came a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes with wide grins on their faces. "You still have fifteen more minutes" said the angel, winking at them. Grinning even more broadly, the female statue turned to the male statue and said "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll poo on it's head!"

 

[Vince Evert]

An 1980's Love Story


I was working part time in a five and dime. My boss was
Mr. Magee. He was six foot four and full of muscles and
walked like an Egyptian, but I was happy to be stuck with
him. One Manic Monday, while I was busy working for the
weekend, I overheard him make a careless whisper.
He told two of my co-workers, Jack and Diane, that I gave
love a bad name. Well, I got so emotional, baby. I told him
to say say say what he wants, but don't play games with my
affection. He told me it was hard for him to say he's sorry
and not to worry, to be happy. Then he blamed it on the
rain. He was so out of touch. It just took my breath
away. I couldn't fight this feeling any longer. I asked
him "What's love got to do with it?" He told me to get
outta his store and his dreams and into my car.
So I figured I might as well jump. I cut footloose, went
home and called my girl, Jenny. (You already know the
number) She was on the other line with Amanda. They were
talking about Mickey and how he was so fine. That blew my
mind! Was she really going out with him? I told her that I
had just called to say I love her. She told me she had been
saving all her love for me, but now she was looking for a
new love - asta la vista, baby. I thought "I can't go for
that - no can do! Bring me a higher love!" I called up some
of my old west end girls, hoping that one of them would want
to get physical all night long (all night). First I called
Billie Jean - she told me to beat it. I called Rosanna -
her sister Christian blessed the rains down in Africa and
then hung up on me. Come on, Eileen! ... no answer. Nobody
told me there'd be days like these! I was feeling like the
owner of a lonely heart.
Then, out of the blue, my best friend's girlfriend (she
used to be mine) Roxanne calls. Yes, the real Roxanne.
She told me she still hadn't found what she's looking for
and that she wanted to take on me. I said "I thought you
were Jessie's girl." She said "Don't you want me? You don't
have to put on the red light - I'm on my own." What a feeling!
I had the eye of the tiger. Who was I f-f-f-foolin? Roxanne
drove me crazy like no one else. She's a beauty! She blinded
me with science, and weird science at that. There was always
something there to remind me of her and I just knew that I'd
have the time of my life.

I wasn't about to la-di-da-di. I jumped in my little red
Corvette and rocked down to Electric Avenue. I got my mind
set on her. When I got to her house (in the middle of her
street) I ran. I rapped on her front door and to this
rapper's delight, i heard a voice say "Who can it be now?"
"Here I am, the one that you love", I replied. I let my
love open the door and was immediately lost in her eyes.
I felt like a virgin touched for the very first time. She
loosened her blouse and said "Rock me Amadeus!" Well, I
felt it was my prerogative to bust a move. I told her "I'll
tumble for ya!" as I pinned her on the stairs, hungry like
the wolf.
Just then I felt an invisible touch on my shoulder. "Turn
around bright eyes!" said a familiar voice. As I did,
Jessie hit me with a sledgehammer of an uppercut that spun
me right round like a record. He was hangin' tough and
continued to roll with it, knocking the wind from beneath my
wings - broken wings by this time. He rocked me tonight,
for old time's sake, beating me from head to toe, until my
true colours were black and blue and blood was spilling from
my mouth like red, red wine. "You don't owe me money for
nothing!" he snarled. At this point I was livin' on a
prayer. I crawled back to my little red Corvette and drove
home thinking about how my tainted love had cut like a knife
- how it seems that every rose, truly, has its thorn. No
longer do I want to know what love is. Love stinks.

(And that's a lot of hidden song quotes in there)

 

[Horsa]

An 1980's Love Story


I was working part time in a five and dime. My boss was
Mr. Magee. He was six foot four and full of muscles and
walked like an Egyptian, but I was happy to be stuck with
him. One Manic Monday, while I was busy working for the
weekend, I overheard him make a careless whisper.
He told two of my co-workers, Jack and Diane, that I gave
love a bad name. Well, I got so emotional, baby. I told him
to say say say what he wants, but don't play games with my
affection. He told me it was hard for him to say he's sorry
and not to worry, to be happy. Then he blamed it on the
rain. He was so out of touch. It just took my breath
away. I couldn't fight this feeling any longer. I asked
him "What's love got to do with it?" He told me to get
outta his store and his dreams and into my car.
So I figured I might as well jump. I cut footloose, went
home and called my girl, Jenny. (You already know the
number) She was on the other line with Amanda. They were
talking about Mickey and how he was so fine. That blew my
mind! Was she really going out with him? I told her that I
had just called to say I love her. She told me she had been
saving all her love for me, but now she was looking for a
new love - asta la vista, baby. I thought "I can't go for
that - no can do! Bring me a higher love!" I called up some
of my old west end girls, hoping that one of them would want
to get physical all night long (all night). First I called
Billie Jean - she told me to beat it. I called Rosanna -
her sister Christian blessed the rains down in Africa and
then hung up on me. Come on, Eileen! ... no answer. Nobody
told me there'd be days like these! I was feeling like the
owner of a lonely heart.
Then, out of the blue, my best friend's girlfriend (she
used to be mine) Roxanne calls. Yes, the real Roxanne.
She told me she still hadn't found what she's looking for
and that she wanted to take on me. I said "I thought you
were Jessie's girl." She said "Don't you want me? You don't
have to put on the red light - I'm on my own." What a feeling!
I had the eye of the tiger. Who was I f-f-f-foolin? Roxanne
drove me crazy like no one else. She's a beauty! She blinded
me with science, and weird science at that. There was always
something there to remind me of her and I just knew that I'd
have the time of my life.

I wasn't about to la-di-da-di. I jumped in my little red
Corvette and rocked down to Electric Avenue. I got my mind
set on her. When I got to her house (in the middle of her
street) I ran. I rapped on her front door and to this
rapper's delight, i heard a voice say "Who can it be now?"
"Here I am, the one that you love", I replied. I let my
love open the door and was immediately lost in her eyes.
I felt like a virgin touched for the very first time. She
loosened her blouse and said "Rock me Amadeus!" Well, I
felt it was my prerogative to bust a move. I told her "I'll
tumble for ya!" as I pinned her on the stairs, hungry like
the wolf.
Just then I felt an invisible touch on my shoulder. "Turn
around bright eyes!" said a familiar voice. As I did,
Jessie hit me with a sledgehammer of an uppercut that spun
me right round like a record. He was hangin' tough and
continued to roll with it, knocking the wind from beneath my
wings - broken wings by this time. He rocked me tonight,
for old time's sake, beating me from head to toe, until my
true colours were black and blue and blood was spilling from
my mouth like red, red wine. "You don't owe me money for
nothing!" he snarled. At this point I was livin' on a
prayer. I crawled back to my little red Corvette and drove
home thinking about how my tainted love had cut like a knife
- how it seems that every rose, truly, has its thorn. No
longer do I want to know what love is. Love stinks.

(And that's a lot of hidden song quotes in there)

Haha! Good 1. Then like a bat out of hell you were gone.

 

[Vince Evert]

A woman goes to the Doctor in Glasgow, worried about her husband's
temper and threatening manner.
The Doc asks: "What's the problem, Janet?
The woman says: "Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinae know what to do. Every
time ma hubbie comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me aroon'."
The Doctor says: "Aye, well... I have a real good cure for that. When
your husband arrives home intoxicated, just take a wee glass of water
and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't
swallow it until he goes to bed and is sound asleep."

Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
She says: "Doctor that was brilliant! Evrae time ma hubbie came home
drunk, I swished with water. I swished an' swished, and he didnae
touch me even once!
Tell me Doc...wha's the secret? How's the water do that?"
The Doctor says: "Janet hen, it's really nae big secret. The water
does bugger all - it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."

 

[Vince Evert]

Google's Pizza

- Hello! Gordon's pizza?
- No sir it's Google's pizza.

- So it's a wrong number? Sorry
- No sir, Google bought it.

- OK. Take my order please
- Well sir, you want the usual?

- The usual? You know me?
- According to our caller ID data sheet, in the last 12 times, you ordered pizza with cheeses, sausage, thick crust.

- OK! This is it ...
- May I suggest to you this time ricotta, arugula with dry tomato.?

- What? I hate vegetables.
- Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

- How do you know?
- We crossed the number of your fixed line with your name, through the subscribers guide.
We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

- Okay, but I do not want this pizza!,I already take medicine ...
-Excuse me, but you have not taken the medicine regularly, from our commercial database, 4 months ago, you only purchased a box with 30 cholesterol tablets at Drug sale Network.

- I bought more from another drugstore.
- It's not showing on your credit card statement

- I paid in cash
- But you did not withdraw that much cash according to your bank statement

- I have have other source of cash
- This is not showing as per you last Tax form unless you bought them from undeclared income source.

-WHAT THE HELL?
- I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the intention of helping you.

- Enough! I'm sick of google, facebook, twitter, WhatsApp. I'm going to an Island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone line and no one to watch me or spy on me

- I understand sir but you need to renew your passport first as it has expired 5 weeks ago

 

[Vince Evert]

interesting turn of events

In Pahrump, Nevada:


Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business.

In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding -- with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church.

Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand re-opening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!

After the brothel burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer."

But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church......

"was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and vociferously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.

The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, "I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer.... and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all BS.

 

[Federberg]

A drunk man who smelled like a barrel of beer sat down on a subway train next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replies, "My Son, ...it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned," then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.....

 

[Vince Evert]

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husband. The women were asked,



"How many of you love your husband?"

All the women raised their hands. Then they were asked,
"When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"

Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.

The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text to their husband: "I love you, sweetheart."

The women were then instructed to exchange phones with another person, and to read aloud the text message they received, in response.

Below are 11 replies; some are hilarious. If you have been married for quite a while....a sign of true love....who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?

1. Who the hell is this?

2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?

3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's up with you?

4. What now? Did you crash the car again?

5. I don't understand what you mean?

6. What the heck did you do now?

7. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?

8. Am I dreaming?

9. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.

10. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.

11. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?

 

[Federberg]

Never jump to conclusions before all the facts are in...
A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again.
She decided to leave a note saying, "I've had enough and have left you,
don't bother coming after me".
Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.
After a short while the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom, she could see him walking towards the dresser and pick up the note...
After a few minutes he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone ; - "she's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy french nightie. I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the dirty things you like".
He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.
She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed,
seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to
see what he wrote;
"I can see your feet."
"Stop being retarded, we're outta bread, put the kettle on, back in 5 min."

 

[britbox]

Not really a joke, but this made me laugh...

Some guy on Facebook keeps setting up accounts called "Customer Support" and starts replying in threads where real customers are complaining to companies.

https://www.boredpanda.com/customer...oogle&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=organic

 

[Federberg]

 

[Federberg]

 

[Federberg]