Jokes
- Thread starter britbox
- Start date
Vince Evert
Multiple Major Winner
- Joined
- Sep 7, 2014
- Messages
- 3,900
- Reactions
- 1,867
- Points
- 113
A Scotsman stumbles out of a bar and starts walking down the road to his house. Too drunk to make it there, he lays down on the side of the road in a field and passes out.
A woman is walking home and spots him there. She says to herself, "I wonder what he's hiding underneath that kilt." Looking around to make sure that no one sees here, she takes a peek. "No underwear, oh my!" After she's had her giggles, she says to herself, "I should do something to let him know that I was here."
She takes the blue ribbon from her hair and ties it around his manhood, covering him with the kilt again.
The next morning the Scotsman wakes up and feels something funny under his kilt. He takes a look and says, "Well my lad, I don't know where we've been, but I see that you won first prize!"
A woman is walking home and spots him there. She says to herself, "I wonder what he's hiding underneath that kilt." Looking around to make sure that no one sees here, she takes a peek. "No underwear, oh my!" After she's had her giggles, she says to herself, "I should do something to let him know that I was here."
She takes the blue ribbon from her hair and ties it around his manhood, covering him with the kilt again.
The next morning the Scotsman wakes up and feels something funny under his kilt. He takes a look and says, "Well my lad, I don't know where we've been, but I see that you won first prize!"
Lol. Moran Taing.
* Moran Taing means thank you very much in Scots Gaelic. I thought it just fit in with your joke. Lol. Slainte mhath. That means good health & is usually used as a toast.
Vince Evert
Multiple Major Winner
- Joined
- Sep 7, 2014
- Messages
- 3,900
- Reactions
- 1,867
- Points
- 113
thank you Horsa. Very soon i am going to start up Rate the tracks topic. I look forward to your partaking there and then.
Moxie
Multiple Major Winner
- Joined
- Apr 14, 2013
- Messages
- 43,707
- Reactions
- 14,881
- Points
- 113
Ricky Gervais told this one to Jerry Seinfeld on Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee:
A Holocaust survivor died and went to heaven. When he met God, he told him a Holocaust joke. God said, "That's not funny!" The survivor said, "Well, I guess you had to be there."
A Holocaust survivor died and went to heaven. When he met God, he told him a Holocaust joke. God said, "That's not funny!" The survivor said, "Well, I guess you had to be there."
Vince Evert
Multiple Major Winner
- Joined
- Sep 7, 2014
- Messages
- 3,900
- Reactions
- 1,867
- Points
- 113
Vince Evert
Multiple Major Winner
- Joined
- Sep 7, 2014
- Messages
- 3,900
- Reactions
- 1,867
- Points
- 113
now then july 24 will be Tell an Old JOke day. But am not sure if this is only for the U.S. or applies to here Australia, as its the 24th now o_O
https://www.daysoftheyear.com/days/tell-an-old-joke-day/
https://www.daysoftheyear.com/days/tell-an-old-joke-day/
Vince Evert
Multiple Major Winner
- Joined
- Sep 7, 2014
- Messages
- 3,900
- Reactions
- 1,867
- Points
- 113
Vince Evert
Multiple Major Winner
- Joined
- Sep 7, 2014
- Messages
- 3,900
- Reactions
- 1,867
- Points
- 113
Vince Evert
Multiple Major Winner
- Joined
- Sep 7, 2014
- Messages
- 3,900
- Reactions
- 1,867
- Points
- 113
Vince Evert
Multiple Major Winner
- Joined
- Sep 7, 2014
- Messages
- 3,900
- Reactions
- 1,867
- Points
- 113
...and here's a couple of gems especially for the ladies...
Q: What’s a man’s idea of honesty in a relationship?
A: Telling you his real name.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder “Instruction Manuals.”
Q: What’s a man’s idea of honesty in a relationship?
A: Telling you his real name.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder “Instruction Manuals.”
Last edited:
tented
Administrator
Vince Evert
Multiple Major Winner
- Joined
- Sep 7, 2014
- Messages
- 3,900
- Reactions
- 1,867
- Points
- 113
A couple, both aged 74, went to a sex therapist’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”
The man said, “Will you watch us have sex?”
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have sex,” and then charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to find out?”
“We’re not trying to find out anything,” the husband replied, “She’s married and we can’t go to her house. I’m married and we can’t go to my home. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50… and I get $43 back from the insurance!”
The man said, “Will you watch us have sex?”
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have sex,” and then charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to find out?”
“We’re not trying to find out anything,” the husband replied, “She’s married and we can’t go to her house. I’m married and we can’t go to my home. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50… and I get $43 back from the insurance!”
Vince Evert
Multiple Major Winner
- Joined
- Sep 7, 2014
- Messages
- 3,900
- Reactions
- 1,867
- Points
- 113
Moxie
Multiple Major Winner
- Joined
- Apr 14, 2013
- Messages
- 43,707
- Reactions
- 14,881
- Points
- 113
Murat Baslamisli
The GOAT
- Joined
- Apr 14, 2013
- Messages
- 10,337
- Reactions
- 1,055
- Points
- 113
- Age
- 52
- Location
- Aurora, Ontario, Canada
- Website
- www.drummershangout.ca
A man walks in a fish shop and asks for Cod, the store owner says "We won't have Cod until next week.."
The next day the same man walks into the shop and asks for Cod, the shop owner says "We won't have Cod until next week.."
The next day the same guy comes in and asks for Cod, the store owner says "Can you spell Cod for me .. The man spells it "C-O-D .." The store owner says "You forgot the F .." The man says "There is no F in Cod .." The store owner says "THAT'S what I have been trying to tell you all week !"
The next day the same man walks into the shop and asks for Cod, the shop owner says "We won't have Cod until next week.."
The next day the same guy comes in and asks for Cod, the store owner says "Can you spell Cod for me .. The man spells it "C-O-D .." The store owner says "You forgot the F .." The man says "There is no F in Cod .." The store owner says "THAT'S what I have been trying to tell you all week !"
Federberg
The GOAT
- Joined
- Apr 22, 2013
- Messages
- 15,574
- Reactions
- 5,662
- Points
- 113
a bloke went into sports direct on Tuesday and asked for some condoms and KY jelly.
"We are a sports shop." said the assistant.
On Wednesday he asked for a dual action 12 inch black dildo, on Thursday, some anal beads and a gimp mask, on Friday some love eggs and a whip. Always with the same reply.
Saturday as he walked in the assistant took him to one side and said "mate you keep coming in and it's getting embarrassing you know we are a sports shop, what the fuck do you really want?"
he summoned up all his courage took a deep breath and said "can I have an Arsenal home shirt please."
"We are a sports shop." said the assistant.
On Wednesday he asked for a dual action 12 inch black dildo, on Thursday, some anal beads and a gimp mask, on Friday some love eggs and a whip. Always with the same reply.
Saturday as he walked in the assistant took him to one side and said "mate you keep coming in and it's getting embarrassing you know we are a sports shop, what the fuck do you really want?"
he summoned up all his courage took a deep breath and said "can I have an Arsenal home shirt please."