Federberg
The GOAT
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Jokes
- Thread starter britbox
- Start date
What's the rudest element?
Gold because it's always Au.
What element keeps coming & going?
Copper because it's always Cu.
Gold because it's always Au.
What element keeps coming & going?
Copper because it's always Cu.
Vince Evert
Multiple Major Winner
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Katie's Dog...
Mom and Dad were trying to console Katie whose dog, Homer, had recently died.
"You know," Mom said, "it's not so bad. Homer's probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with the good Lord."
Katie stopped crying and asked, "What would God want with a dead dog?"
Mom and Dad were trying to console Katie whose dog, Homer, had recently died.
"You know," Mom said, "it's not so bad. Homer's probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with the good Lord."
Katie stopped crying and asked, "What would God want with a dead dog?"
Federberg
The GOAT
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Vince Evert
Multiple Major Winner
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A big city lawyer went duck hunting on the Tantramar Marshes in rural Nova Scotia. He shot and dropped a bird but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property and you are not coming over here!"
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in Toronto, and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes here in this part of Nova Scotia. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"
The lawyer asked, "What is the ‘Three Kick Rule’ ?”
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh “cow pie”.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old dog. Now it's my turn!"
(Now here's the best part...)
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property and you are not coming over here!"
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in Toronto, and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes here in this part of Nova Scotia. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"
The lawyer asked, "What is the ‘Three Kick Rule’ ?”
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh “cow pie”.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old dog. Now it's my turn!"
(Now here's the best part...)
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
Vince Evert
Multiple Major Winner
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Vince Evert
Multiple Major Winner
- Joined
- Sep 7, 2014
- Messages
- 3,900
- Reactions
- 1,867
- Points
- 113
Vince Evert
Multiple Major Winner
- Joined
- Sep 7, 2014
- Messages
- 3,900
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- 1,867
- Points
- 113
A thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can kill me. But please untie the rope and free her.”
Thief: “You must really love your wife!”
Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.
Thief: “You must really love your wife!”
Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.
A sales rep, an assistant and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first!" says the assistant. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.
"Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of piña coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
"Me first!" says the assistant. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.
"Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of piña coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Federberg
The GOAT
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Federberg
The GOAT
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Federberg
The GOAT
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- Points
- 113
I WAS IN A BAR THE OTHER NIGHT AND OVERHEARD THREE FAT WOMEN TALKING. THEIR ACCENTS APPEARED TO BE SCOTTISH, SO I APPROACHED THEM AND ASKED, "HELLO, LADIES ARE YOU FROM SCOTLAND?" ONE OF THEM CORRECTED ME AND SAID "IT'S WALES YOU BLOODY IDIOT, WALES!" SO I APOLOGISED AND REPLIED, "I'M SO SORRY. ARE YOU THREE WHALES FROM SCOTLAND?" AND THAT'S THE LAST THING I REMEMBER.
brokenshoelace
Grand Slam Champion
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I have a friend who lives just outside Chernobyl in Ukraine. He watched that drama on HBO and said he counted 9 historical inaccuracies on one hand.
I was watching my neighbours cat while she was on holiday as her elderly mum wasn't able to.
After a couple of days, she phoned...
"How's Tiddles getting on?" She asked.
"Tiddles is dead" I replied.
After a while she sobbed.."that's so cold-hearted, could you not have broken it to me a bit more gently?
You could have said "Tiddles got stuck up a tree, the Fire Brigade tried to get her down, she fell and died instantly"
"I'm sorry," I said.."you're right"
"Anyway, how's my mum?" she continued.
"Well..." I replied.. (pause) "First she got stuck up a tree..."
After a couple of days, she phoned...
"How's Tiddles getting on?" She asked.
"Tiddles is dead" I replied.
After a while she sobbed.."that's so cold-hearted, could you not have broken it to me a bit more gently?
You could have said "Tiddles got stuck up a tree, the Fire Brigade tried to get her down, she fell and died instantly"
"I'm sorry," I said.."you're right"
"Anyway, how's my mum?" she continued.
"Well..." I replied.. (pause) "First she got stuck up a tree..."
THE MRS JUST ASKED ME IF I COULD BE MORE LIKE LIVERPOOL DURING SEX.
"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN?", I ASKED.
SHE REPLIED "STAY ON TOP FOR AGES THEN COME 2ND"
The inquest into the long delays that plagued the building of Tottenham's new stadium has finally come to a conclusion.
The blame has been placed squarely on the Architect. The moron had included a trophy room in the initial plans.