Jokes

[Horsa]

Freddie Mercury is having dinner in a Greek restaurant while a wedding reception is taking place in the function room.

The happy couple notice him and come over to speak to him.

They ask if he would help them celebrate in the Greek tradition by breaking a couple of plates.

"Certainly" he says "but I need another plate".

"Why is that?" they enquire.

Freddie replies --- "I want to break three!"

Lol. That's a good 1. Not only does it cheer me up by making me laugh but it makes me sing too.

 

[Vince Evert]

A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi - Speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives - happened to appear. Ms. Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease. 'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how do you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'
'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.' 'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.
Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''
Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous smile, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'

 

[Horsa]

Haha! Good 1.

A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi - Speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives - happened to appear. Ms. Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease. 'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how do you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'
'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.' 'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.
Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''
Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous smile, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'

 

[Vince Evert]

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday.
So I went to our local pet shop and they were $70. I thought, Nah forget it, I can get one cheaper off the web.

 

[britbox]

After 100 years on the bottom of the ocean, divers were amazed to find the Titanic's swimming pool is still full

 

[britbox]

Apple has discovered a way to milk sheep.

By releasing another iPhone.

 

[Vince Evert]

My girl sent me a skype text saying, “Your great".

But I wrote back, “No, you're great".

Since then she's been walking around all happy and smiling.

Now, should I tell her that I was just correcting her grammar or should I leave it like that ?

 

[Federberg]

Obedient Wife .

A Postman was retiring after 35 years of service. The towns people appreciated his work and presented him different gifts.

In one house a young lady took him to her bedroom gave him good sex, a good lunch and $5.

The Postman was very happy and asked "But why the $5"?

Lady: "Actually yesterday I asked my husband what to present you"?

He said "Fuck him, just give him $5"

"But the lunch was my idea."

MANAGEMENT LESSON: Always give clear instructions ...

 

[britbox]

So, Harry Redknapp is in the jungle. He should know what it's like putting his hand into a box full of cobwebs and spiders...

...He did it for years in the Spurs trophy cabinet

 

[Federberg]

 

[Vince Evert]

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies,
"Well, Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies,
"In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live?
You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies,
"Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this.
"Well, Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little s***** is adorable.

 

[britbox]

Just been banned from a high street store.

I only asked where the fitting room was.

 

[Moxie]

Just been banned from a high street store.

I only asked where the fitting room was.

I called. They do carry "petite," so you're good. :lulz2:

 

[Moxie]

In related news:

 

[britbox]

I called. They do carry "petite," so you're good. :lulz2:

They messaged me. I need to pick up from the Elephant section of the store.

 

[Horsa]

They messaged me. I need to pick up from the Elephant section of the store.

That must be a mammoth undertaking.

 

[britbox]

That must be a mammoth undertaking.

Just for the poor staff loading it into the vehicle. I wound them up saying I'd order more than one next time.

 

[Moxie]

They messaged me. I need to pick up from the Elephant section of the store.

I've just ordered Mrs. Britbox an FDNY shirt.

 

[Horsa]

Just for the poor staff loading it into the vehicle. I wound them up saying I'd order more than one next time.

R.O.F.L. It's a good job they weren't hungover or they might have been a bit woolly-headed.

 

[Moxie]

R.O.F.L. It's a good job they weren't hungover or they might have been a bit woolly-headed.

That one took me a minute.