Kieran
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Jokes
- Thread starter britbox
- Start date
My wife insisted I quit my job, because she thinks it's cruel we've started testing our new products on rabbits
Tomorrow is my last day at the hammer factory.
Tomorrow is my last day at the hammer factory.
tented
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Federberg
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Kieran
The GOAT
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tented
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A man and his wife and his mother in law went on vacation to the Holy Land.
While they were there, the mother in law passed away.
The undertaker told them you can have her shipped home for $5000 or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00.
The man thought about it, told him he'd just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked why would you spend $5000 to ship your mother in law home when it would be wonderful to have her buried here and spend only $150.00?
The man replied. A man died here 2000 years ago. He was buried here. Three days later he rose from the dead.
I just can't take that chance.
While they were there, the mother in law passed away.
The undertaker told them you can have her shipped home for $5000 or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00.
The man thought about it, told him he'd just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked why would you spend $5000 to ship your mother in law home when it would be wonderful to have her buried here and spend only $150.00?
The man replied. A man died here 2000 years ago. He was buried here. Three days later he rose from the dead.
I just can't take that chance.
tented
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A married couple were sitting at their dinner table when the wife says, "I cannot believe it!"
The husband looks up and asks, "you can't believe what?"
The wife turns her phone around and shows him what she was reading.
"Did you know, in Las Vegas, you can make $400 just for giving a BJ! Easy money! Fuck you, I'm out of here!"
She goes to the bedroom and starts packing all of her belongings. Soon, her husband joins her and starts packing as well.
"I'm serious, I'm really leaving for good!" The wife says
"I believe you and I support your decision. I just want to see how you live off of $800 a year!"
The husband looks up and asks, "you can't believe what?"
The wife turns her phone around and shows him what she was reading.
"Did you know, in Las Vegas, you can make $400 just for giving a BJ! Easy money! Fuck you, I'm out of here!"
She goes to the bedroom and starts packing all of her belongings. Soon, her husband joins her and starts packing as well.
"I'm serious, I'm really leaving for good!" The wife says
"I believe you and I support your decision. I just want to see how you live off of $800 a year!"
Kieran
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tented
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A husband and wife went shopping together just before Christmas. The wife quickly noticed that her husband was missing and because they had a lot to do she called him on his cell phone.
After the husband picked up the phone his wife said "Where are you, you know we have lots to do!"
He said, "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"
Little tears started to flow down her cheeks and she got all choked up and said "Yes, I do remember that shop!!!" she replied.
"Well, I am in the yoyo shop next door to that.”
After the husband picked up the phone his wife said "Where are you, you know we have lots to do!"
He said, "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"
Little tears started to flow down her cheeks and she got all choked up and said "Yes, I do remember that shop!!!" she replied.
"Well, I am in the yoyo shop next door to that.”
Federberg
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Kieran
The GOAT
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A man enters a cafe and sits at a table.
A waitress asks for his order.
“One coffee, please, without cream,” he replies.
The waitress responds, “I’m sorry, but you’ll have to take it without milk; we haven’t any cream”.
A waitress asks for his order.
“One coffee, please, without cream,” he replies.
The waitress responds, “I’m sorry, but you’ll have to take it without milk; we haven’t any cream”.
Federberg
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A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?
"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.
When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.
When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.
When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.
When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.
When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.
When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
tented
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Ben and Tim want to go drink in a bar
Problem is, they have no money. "No problem" says Ben, "I have a cunning plan. Take this sausage and put it in your boxer. We go into the bar, drink a couple of beer and when they come with the tab you open your pant and let the sausage out. I go down on it and they will kick us out and we won't have to pay."
Tim agrees, takes the sausage and off they go in the bar. They drink, and after two or three rounds they see the bartender coming with the tab. So Tim opens his trousers and shows part of the sausage, and Ben goes to town on it. Bartender is not amused and kicks them out.
Happy that it works they go to the next pub. Same game, they drink, have fun and when the tab arrives they play dip the sausage and get thrown out.
This goes on for a couple of bars, until after one throw down (or throw out) Ben shakes his head and tells Tim "Sorry old friend, I can't take any more beer or sausage tonight". Tim looks at him and answers "You have it easy, I lost the sausage three bars ago..."
Problem is, they have no money. "No problem" says Ben, "I have a cunning plan. Take this sausage and put it in your boxer. We go into the bar, drink a couple of beer and when they come with the tab you open your pant and let the sausage out. I go down on it and they will kick us out and we won't have to pay."
Tim agrees, takes the sausage and off they go in the bar. They drink, and after two or three rounds they see the bartender coming with the tab. So Tim opens his trousers and shows part of the sausage, and Ben goes to town on it. Bartender is not amused and kicks them out.
Happy that it works they go to the next pub. Same game, they drink, have fun and when the tab arrives they play dip the sausage and get thrown out.
This goes on for a couple of bars, until after one throw down (or throw out) Ben shakes his head and tells Tim "Sorry old friend, I can't take any more beer or sausage tonight". Tim looks at him and answers "You have it easy, I lost the sausage three bars ago..."