Kieran
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Jokes
- Thread starter britbox
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tented
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Girl winks at the bartender and asks, "Is it true hot chicks don't pay for their drinks here?"
Bartender: "Yes, that's been our policy for years! Here's your check."
Bartender: "Yes, that's been our policy for years! Here's your check."
Kieran
The GOAT
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tented
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A man walks into a church and goes in the confessional. The priest follows him.
“Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I have committed adultery.” he says.
“Dear heavens my child. I must ask, what happened? ” the priest answers.
“You see father, last week my wife and I went to my sister-in-law’s house for dinner. However, it was getting late and it was raining, so we couldn’t return home. That night, I laid with my sister-in-law.” the man says.
“Fear not, my child. God is forgiving.” the priest says.
“Father, I have another sin to confess.” the man says.
“Very well my child, I am listening.” says the priest.
“Five days ago my wife and I went to visit my mother-in-law for dinner. However, the clock had struck midnight, and it was raining, so we couldn’t return home. That night, I laid with my mother-in-law.” the man confesses.
“Worry not, my child. God is forgiving. Will that be all?” the priest says.
“No father, there is one more sin I must confess. Yesterday I went to my secretary’s house in order to work. We had worked a lot and it was already past midnight, it was raining, so I couldn’t return home. That night, I laid with my secretary.” says the man
Just as the priest is about to speak, he looks outside and sees that the sky is starting to darken.
He says “The weather is getting worse, get out before it starts raining!”
“Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I have committed adultery.” he says.
“Dear heavens my child. I must ask, what happened? ” the priest answers.
“You see father, last week my wife and I went to my sister-in-law’s house for dinner. However, it was getting late and it was raining, so we couldn’t return home. That night, I laid with my sister-in-law.” the man says.
“Fear not, my child. God is forgiving.” the priest says.
“Father, I have another sin to confess.” the man says.
“Very well my child, I am listening.” says the priest.
“Five days ago my wife and I went to visit my mother-in-law for dinner. However, the clock had struck midnight, and it was raining, so we couldn’t return home. That night, I laid with my mother-in-law.” the man confesses.
“Worry not, my child. God is forgiving. Will that be all?” the priest says.
“No father, there is one more sin I must confess. Yesterday I went to my secretary’s house in order to work. We had worked a lot and it was already past midnight, it was raining, so I couldn’t return home. That night, I laid with my secretary.” says the man
Just as the priest is about to speak, he looks outside and sees that the sky is starting to darken.
He says “The weather is getting worse, get out before it starts raining!”
Federberg
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Kieran
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“About the sausages?”
“Well, kind of..”.
I loved Steve Emerson videos. This one got me started:
Federberg
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Federberg
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tented
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They say that mafia members are nasty people, but while growing up, I lived next door to one and he was actually a nice guy.
In fact, every morning, he paid me $20 just to start his car.
In fact, every morning, he paid me $20 just to start his car.
Federberg
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tented
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A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he says.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.
“You rotten bastard," says the husband,"my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!!”
He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he says.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.
“You rotten bastard," says the husband,"my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!!”
“About the sausages?”
“Well, kind of..”.
I loved Steve Emerson videos. This one got me started:
I was still waiting to hear the number!
Federberg
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tented
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Why did god make it so painful to give birth?
So for once, women get to know what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
So for once, women get to know what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
tented
Administrator
Two men and a woman are going to hitman school and their teacher takes one of the men out into the hallway, points at a door and says, “In this room we have your wife. Here’s a loaded pistol, go in and kill her.”
The guy says “OK.” He goes into the room and comes out a few minutes later. He says, “I love her, I can’t do it.”
The teacher says, “You don’t have what it takes to be a hitman, get out of here.”
The teacher then does the same thing with the other guy with the same result.
He then takes the woman out into the hallway, points at a door and says, “In this room we have your husband. Here’s a loaded pistol, go in and kill him.”
She goes into the room and he hears a gunshot and then all hell breaking loose. There’s yelling & screaming plus furniture being broken. After about 15 minutes of this the woman comes out looking disheveled and says, “Why the hell did you put blanks in the gun? I had to beat the son-of-a-bitch to death.”
The guy says “OK.” He goes into the room and comes out a few minutes later. He says, “I love her, I can’t do it.”
The teacher says, “You don’t have what it takes to be a hitman, get out of here.”
The teacher then does the same thing with the other guy with the same result.
He then takes the woman out into the hallway, points at a door and says, “In this room we have your husband. Here’s a loaded pistol, go in and kill him.”
She goes into the room and he hears a gunshot and then all hell breaking loose. There’s yelling & screaming plus furniture being broken. After about 15 minutes of this the woman comes out looking disheveled and says, “Why the hell did you put blanks in the gun? I had to beat the son-of-a-bitch to death.”
Federberg
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not sure how translatable this will be for those across the pond, but here goes....
