Jokes

[tented]

A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates...
He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed.
Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.
"Are you Mohammed?" he asks.
"No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.
Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds, coming to a room where he meets another bearded man.
He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"
"No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still."
Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard.
Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"
"No, I am Jesus... You will find Mohammed higher up."
Mohammed higher than Jesus!
The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher.
Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question:
"Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.
"No my son.....I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?"
"Yes, please!" said the man.
God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:
"Hey Mohammed, two coffees!"

 

[tented]

A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: "You must be single." The man answers: “Wow, how did you know that?”
Cashier: “Because you’re ugly.”

 

[tented]

My girlfriend is always stealing my shirts and sweaters...
But if I take one of her dresses, suddenly "we need to talk"

 

[Federberg]

 

[Federberg]

A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates...
He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed.
Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.
"Are you Mohammed?" he asks.
"No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.
Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds, coming to a room where he meets another bearded man.
He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"
"No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still."
Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard.
Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"
"No, I am Jesus... You will find Mohammed higher up."
Mohammed higher than Jesus!
The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher.
Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question:
"Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.
"No my son.....I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?"
"Yes, please!" said the man.
God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:
"Hey Mohammed, two coffees!"

I really shouldn't be laughing at that, but...

 

[Kieran]

 

[Federberg]

 

[Federberg]

 

[Federberg]

 

[Federberg]

 

[Carol]

 

[Federberg]

 

[Federberg]

 

[Federberg]

 

[tented]

 

[tented]

The maid asked her boss — the wife — for a raise, and the wife was upset.
The wife asked "Why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"
Maid: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Maid: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Maid: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Maid: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Maid: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."
Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"
Maid: "No, the gardener did."
Wife: "So how much do you want?"

 

[tented]

Two men crash into each other at an intersection. First man steps out of his wrecked car screaming:
"You son-of-a-bitch, you wrecked my Jag! I'm a lawyer, I'm going to sue you for everything you have!"
Other man responds, "You Lawyers only care about money, you don't even realize you just lost an arm."
The Lawyer looks down where his arm should be and yells "Where's my fucking Rolex!"

 

[tented]

So Hitler dies and meets God...
God: You know a lot of people died because of you, I have to send you to hell
Hitler: Can I have one last wish first?
God: Sure, why not
Hitler: I want you to kill ten thousand Jews and two Greeks
God: Why two Greeks?
Hitler: See? Even you don't give a fuck about the Jews

 

[tented]

North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by their government and the media.
But I know that can't possibly be true. Because every American knows that America is the best country in the world.

 

[Federberg]