Jokes

[Federberg]

Twelve of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio

1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'

5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie ( Arnold Palmer) isplaying so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god !! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros is feeling great today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports': 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'

 

[Federberg]

 

[Kieran]

Good girl!

 

[tented]

A guy approaches his friend in the Synagogue.
"Dave, I need your big favor as my best friend. I am heading to the rabbi's to have sex with his wife. Please keep him here for two hours. Ask complicated questions, follow up on the answers, trade stories... Whatever you can do to make him stay," the guy says.
David reluctantly agrees and goes to see the rabbi.
"Rabbi, I got myself into a predicament. My friend pressured me to prevent you from leaving here while your wife and he were having sex at your house. What is your advice?"
Rabbi: "Run home. I am not married."

 

[Federberg]

 

[Federberg]

 

[britbox]

 

[britbox]

Twelve of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio

1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'

5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie ( Arnold Palmer) isplaying so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god !! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros is feeling great today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports': 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'

Test Cricket - West Indies v England. Paceman Michael Holding bowling to England's Peter Willey...

"The Bowler is Holding, the Batsman's Willey".

 

[Federberg]

 

[tented]

A policeman searched me in a nightclub toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs.
"It's not my fault," I said, "every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."
"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed.
I said, "I'll prove it to you if you want me to!"
"Go on then," he said, handing me the bag.
I flushed them down, then he looked at me and said "Well, show me your pocket then."
"What for?" I asked.
He said, "the drugs."
I replied, "what drugs?"

 

[Federberg]

 

[Federberg]

it's tragic that comedy like this could never be made again. What a loss!

 

[tented]

A secret agent is sent to Ireland to deliver a top secret package
"Go to this small town in Ireland, find our agent named O'Malley and say the following to him: 'the shadows of the moon are getting dark.' He'll reply 'but the sun will guarantee the light.' When he says that, give him the package and head home."
So the agent goes to the small Irish town but only sees a handful of shops and a farm. He walks up to the farmer and says "I'm looking for a man named O'Malley."
The farmer replies "you need to be more specific than that. The bank manager is named O'Malley, the Butcher is O'Malley, the undertaker is O'Malley and for that matter I'm O'Malley too."
Hearing that he says to the farmer in a hushed voice "the shadows of the moon are getting dark."
The farmer replies "oh you’re looking for O'Malley the spy. He lives in the next community west."

 

[tented]

You ever heard of a reverse exorcism? It's when a demon tells the priest to exit the child's body.

 

[Federberg]

Brewster the Rooster. I'll give the PG version.

A farmer needed to buy a rooster for his chickens Another man had a rooster for sale. The farmer goes to buy the rooster. The man tells him this is Brewster, he will service your chickens, but he is a sex addict and will go after anything.

The farmer buys Brewster and takes him home. Brewster goes through the henhouse, then starts on the farmers sheep and other barnyard animals. After a couple days of this, the farmer tells Brewster, “You gotta slow down or you'll kill yourself.”

After a week of Brewster going after every animal on the farm, the farmer comes out and sees Brewster laid out in the yard, vultures are already circling. The farmer, cussing, tells the corpse of his rooster, “I told you you'd kill yourself if you didn't stop your sex crazed ways.”

Brewster opens one eye and says, “Shut up, they're about to land.”

 

[Federberg]

A blind guy walks into a lesbian bar, tapping his cane, he meanders up to the bar.

He orders a draft.

“You wanna hear a blond joke?” he asks the bartender, who is a very big rough looking woman.

She says, seeing he is blind, “ You ought to know, I’m 6′1” 195 pounds, can bench press 300, AND I am a BLONDE.”
He only says, “hmm,” with a concerned look on his face.

She goes on, “ and the woman playing pool back there is tough as nails, and she is an active duty Sgt Major in the Army—INFANTRY— and a BLONDE!”

“Oh, my,” he replies.

“You can’t see her, but the woman coming out of the john, is on parole. She was released the other day having served 10 years for manslaughter. She ripped out her lover’s throat, after a ‘spat,’ over dirty dishes. She’s just plain mean. And she’s a blonde!”

He could only mutter, “Goodness!”

“So, are you sure you still want to tell a blond joke?”

“Nah, I don’t want to explain it 3 times.”

 

[Federberg]

 

[Federberg]

 

[Federberg]

absolutely hilarious! I think the one with the fainting is even better!

 

[Federberg]

Try NOT to laugh