Jokes

Federberg · Jun 14, 2021

Federberg · Jun 14, 2021

Federberg · Jun 14, 2021

Federberg · Jun 17, 2021

Federberg · Jun 17, 2021

Vince Evert · Jun 20, 2021

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”> NOT-Microsoft support: “It’s OK sir. We can help you right now. Are you in front of your device sir?”

Me: “Yes. I was just about to use it. I’m glad you called.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes sir, we are going to help you. Can you please push the Start button?”

Me: “I think it's already on.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Okay, sir. Now you want to click on Control Panel.”

Me: “I don’t see that.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Do you see a bunch of information above the Start button?”

Me: “Yes.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “That is your Control Panel.”

Me: “Wow, I didn’t realize it had a name.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes sir, now press on Internet Options.”

Me: “Yeah, I definitely don’t see any Internet options. I don’t think I purchased that feature. This is just a cheap one.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “They all have the Internet sir. Press the Start button again.”

Me: “OK, it’s the same as before.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “That’s OK sir. We are going to restart your device. Can you please turn it off?”

Me: “Ummm…I don’t know how. I’ve never turned it off. Since I bought it, it just kind of stays on all the time.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “There must be an off button on your device. How do you stop it when it’s running?”

Me: “In those cases, I usually press the big button.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “OK sir. Please press that button.”

Me: “Ok.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Is your device off?”

Me: “No. The door popped open.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Door? Is there a disc inside the door?”

Me: “No, there’s a burrito.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Why is there a burrito in your computer?”

Me: “Computer? I thought you said this was microwave support.”

tented · Jun 21, 2021

Jesus was relaxing in Heaven when he noticed a familiar looking old man. Wondering if the old man was his father Joseph, Jesus asked him, "Did you, by any chance, ever have a son?"
"Yes," said the old man, "but he wasn't my biological son. He was born by a miracle, by the intervention of a magical being from the heavens."
"Very interesting," said Jesus. "Did this boy ever have to fight temptation?"
"Oh, yes, many times," answered the old man. "But he eventually won. Unfortunately, he heroically died at one point, but he came back to life shortly afterwards."
Jesus couldn't believe it. Could this actually be his father?
"One last question," He said. "Were you a carpenter?"
"Why yes," replied the old man. "Yes I was."
Jesus rubbed his eyes and said, "Dad?"
The old man rubbed his eyes and said, "Pinocchio?"

tented · Jun 21, 2021

The Bible and the Quran tell us to love each other.
The Kamasutra is more specific.

tented · Jun 21, 2021

Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong-Un have a meeting.
They took place on a skyscraper in Moscow. Putin and Kim sat on table facing each other, while a bodyguard stood behind them each.
Putin and Kim argued about whose bodyguard is more loyal. To show his loyalty, Putin ordered his bodyguard to jump out of window. His bodyguard was surprised and bewildered; after some hesitation he knelt his knee over his president and cried: "Please spare me, my prezident. I have wife and children." Putin felt sorry; he patted his shoulder and told him it was just a joke.
Watching them, Kim snorted and ordered his bodyguard to jump out of window. His bodyguard was surprised and bewildered, but soon he shouted and ran to the window. Putin was surprised; he ran and grabbed that bodyguard; yelling "Are you crazy? We're at skyscraper!"
Then the bodyguard yelled, with fear in his eyes.
"Get off me! I have wife and children!"