Jokes

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A Holocaust survivor died recently. Goes to Heaven and upon meeting God, he decided to tell a Holocaust joke. Then God said "That's not funny", to which the Jew replied "Oh, I guess you had to be there".

 

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A sales guy rings the doorbell on a house, and the door is opened by a 12 year old, holding a glass of cognac and smoking a cigar.
The sales guy is a bit stunned, but plows forward and asks, "Is your dad home?"
The kid replies, "What the fuck do you think?"

 

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How do you tell the difference between a fully vaccinated person and an unvaccinated person if they aren't wearing a mask?
Ask them who won the election.

 

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I've been cheating on my girlfriend with her twin, but it's OK because I can tell them apart.
Brian has a moustache.

 

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A man in an interrogation room says "I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present."
Cop: You are the lawyer.
Lawyer: Exactly, so where's my present?

 

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I just don't get how the german people could fall for Hitler and the Nazis.
There were an awful lot of red flags.

 

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The Pope decides to take a cross-country tour across America, beginning in California and ending in New York.
Somewhere in the Mid-West, the Popemobile breaks down, and while it’s repaired, the Pope continued his journey with a limousine rental.
After a few hours, the limousine driver rolled down the glass partition, and spoke: “I know I’m not supposed to talk to you, your holiness, or highness - I’m not even sure what to call you?”
“It’s okay, my son, say what you want to say.”
“Well, when they told me who I’d be driving, I was really thrilled. It’s such an honor, and if there is anything I can do to make it a better trip, I’ll do my best to make sure it happens.”
The Pope thought for a while, then replied, “You know, before I became Pope, I really enjoyed driving. I would drive for hours. But now, no one will allow me to drive anywhere. Would you mind if we switched places and I can drive?”
The limousine driver agreed and the two switched places.
After a while, the Pope became relaxed, turned the radio on, hung his arm out the window, and just enjoyed cruising. However, not aware of his increasing speed, he was soon pulled over by a motorcycle cop.
The cop walked up to the limousine, saw who was driving, said, “Excuse me, your holiness, for a moment”, then returned to his bike and got on the radio.
“Chief, I think I have a problem. I believe I pulled over someone pretty important, and I’m not sure how to deal with it.”
The Chief responded: “Don’t tell me you pulled over a state representative again, Johnson?”
“No, I think this person is more important.”
“Not our Governor?!”
“No, I believe more important than the Governor.”
“Johnson, tell me you didn’t pull over a Presidential Motorcade.”
“No, they may be even more important than the President.”
“What? Really? Who’s more important than the President?”
“Hell if I know, but the Pope’s driving.”

 

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What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4k?
HDMI

 

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[Front242]

 

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My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died.
Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.

 

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Fat shaming is wrong.
They have enough on their plate already.

 

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A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?

 

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