Jokes

[Vince Evert]

I asked my Dog what was two minus two?

He said Nuthin'

 

[Vince Evert]

I once stayed up all night trying to work out where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me...


My wife asked me to pass her lipstick to her, I accidentally passed her a glue stick instead. A week later, she still isn't talking to me...


Man rushes in and says to his wife - Pack your bags I've just won the lottery.

Wife says - Wow, will I need a swimsuit.

Man says - Just pack them .......... and shove off !

 

[Vince Evert]

I just drove past a tractor with a man shouting 'the end of the world is nigh'. I think it was Farmer Geddon.

I saw a video of a drunk person flailing around trying to fight a scarecrow.
They were clutching at straws.

When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.

 

[Vince Evert]

The madam opened the brothel door in Milngavie and saw a rather dignified, well dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
"May I help you sir?" she asked.
The man replied, "I want to see Suzy."
"Sir, Suzy is one of our most expensive ladies
Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.
He replied, "No, I must see Suzy."
Just then, Suzy appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Suzy,
and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Suzy.
Suzy explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.
"There are no discounts.. The price is still £5000."
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again.
Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night,
but he paid Suzy and they went upstairs.
After their session, Suzy said to the man,
"No one has ever been with me three nights in a row.
Where are you from?”
The man replied, " Edinburgh."
"Really," she said. "I have family in Edinburgh .."
"I know." the man said..
"Your sister died, and I am her Lawyer
She asked me to give you your £15,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

 

[Federberg]

 

[Federberg]

 

[Federberg]

 

[tented]

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".
So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".
The lion abruptly stops and says " Woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can".
Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together".
So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."

 

[tented]

A girl takes her big fat cat to the vet.
"My cat is very fat,” she says.
"Alright," says the vet. "I will look at him."
The vet picks up the cat and examines its teeth. Then she looks at its eyes. Then into its ears.
Finally, she turns to the girl and says, “I'm very sorry. I’m going to have to put your cat down."
"Oh no! Because he's so fat?"
"Yes,” says the doctor. “My arms are very tired."

 

[Federberg]

 

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[Federberg]

 

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[Federberg]