Moxie
Multiple Major Winner
- Joined
- Apr 14, 2013
- Messages
- 43,630
- Reactions
- 14,793
- Points
- 113
Jokes
- Thread starter britbox
- Start date
Moxie
Multiple Major Winner
- Joined
- Apr 14, 2013
- Messages
- 43,630
- Reactions
- 14,793
- Points
- 113
There are no coincidences, indeed. Note, that the head is so remote as to be ineffectual. A few toes are all that's left to the great British Empire. And even the men are laughing that that penis would ever come close to breaking the Earth's surface, much less be a symbol of power. Came from Elon Musk? Makes sense.
Federberg
The GOAT
- Joined
- Apr 22, 2013
- Messages
- 15,542
- Reactions
- 5,607
- Points
- 113
I hired a salesman.
He started on a Monday and Tuesday he called in sick. I didn't say anything. The next Tuesday he calls in sick again. I was satisfied with his sales so i let it go. The third Tuesday still calls in sick. Wednesday morning i went to see him at his Desk to ask him What was going on with him Why is he always calling in sick on tuesday?
He answered :
“My sister is having problems with her marriage and Her husband is very controlling the only time I get to go see her to talk about it is on monday because he's out of town until Tuesday So I go see her after work and she tells about her problems and we end up drinking wine Boring and we end up having sex and then” ……. I said stop what did you just say? You have sex with your sister and this salesman replied “ I told you I was sick”.
He started on a Monday and Tuesday he called in sick. I didn't say anything. The next Tuesday he calls in sick again. I was satisfied with his sales so i let it go. The third Tuesday still calls in sick. Wednesday morning i went to see him at his Desk to ask him What was going on with him Why is he always calling in sick on tuesday?
He answered :
“My sister is having problems with her marriage and Her husband is very controlling the only time I get to go see her to talk about it is on monday because he's out of town until Tuesday So I go see her after work and she tells about her problems and we end up drinking wine Boring and we end up having sex and then” ……. I said stop what did you just say? You have sex with your sister and this salesman replied “ I told you I was sick”.
Federberg
The GOAT
- Joined
- Apr 22, 2013
- Messages
- 15,542
- Reactions
- 5,607
- Points
- 113
Cinderella was all ready to go to the ball, when her period started. She was out of feminine hygiene products; what to do, what do, she fretted as she sat crying by the fireplace.
Suddenly in a poof of smoke and light, a fairy godmother appeared. “Why are you crying, dear child?” She inquired.
“Oh fairy godmother, I'm all ready for the ball tonight, but I've started my period. I have no tampons, and my beautiful dress will be ruined! I can't go!” She wailed.
“Never say, “can't,” child! Now let's see… Aha! That pumpkin over there will do nicely” She waved her magic wand, and the pumpkin was magically transformed into a tampon! “Now heed my words, Cinderella. You must return before the stroke of midnight! When the palace clock strikes twelve, the magic will fail, and your tampon will turn back into a pumpkin!”
Cinderella was overjoyed! “Thank you, thank you, fairy godmother! I promise to be home by midnight!” And off she went.
The fairy godmother waited for Cinderella to return. Midnight passed, then one o'clock, then two. Finally, Cinderella came staggering through door, clothes rumpled and missing a shoe. An enigmatic and dreamy smile lit up her face.
“Well Cinderella, what happened?” she inquired gently. “Why didn't you return by midnight?”
“I was getting ready to leave, fairy godmother, but I met a man. So tall and handsome, so charming!”
“You met the prince?” The fairy godmother clapped her hands in joy. “How wonderful!”
“No,” said Cinderella slyly, “It wasn't the Prince. His name was Peter. Peter Pumpkin Eater!”
Suddenly in a poof of smoke and light, a fairy godmother appeared. “Why are you crying, dear child?” She inquired.
“Oh fairy godmother, I'm all ready for the ball tonight, but I've started my period. I have no tampons, and my beautiful dress will be ruined! I can't go!” She wailed.
“Never say, “can't,” child! Now let's see… Aha! That pumpkin over there will do nicely” She waved her magic wand, and the pumpkin was magically transformed into a tampon! “Now heed my words, Cinderella. You must return before the stroke of midnight! When the palace clock strikes twelve, the magic will fail, and your tampon will turn back into a pumpkin!”
Cinderella was overjoyed! “Thank you, thank you, fairy godmother! I promise to be home by midnight!” And off she went.
The fairy godmother waited for Cinderella to return. Midnight passed, then one o'clock, then two. Finally, Cinderella came staggering through door, clothes rumpled and missing a shoe. An enigmatic and dreamy smile lit up her face.
“Well Cinderella, what happened?” she inquired gently. “Why didn't you return by midnight?”
“I was getting ready to leave, fairy godmother, but I met a man. So tall and handsome, so charming!”
“You met the prince?” The fairy godmother clapped her hands in joy. “How wonderful!”
“No,” said Cinderella slyly, “It wasn't the Prince. His name was Peter. Peter Pumpkin Eater!”
Moxie
Multiple Major Winner
- Joined
- Apr 14, 2013
- Messages
- 43,630
- Reactions
- 14,793
- Points
- 113
Oh, I know the Cajun version of this joke, and, if you'll forgive me, I think it's better. You have to hear it in a Cajun accent, though:
Cinderella Trahan is sitting by the fire, cryin' and cryin', and she be so boudé. (Sad.) Suddenly her Fairy Grandmaman appears. "Cinderella Trahan, why you cryin'?"
"Oh, Fairy Grandmaman, I cain't go to da Fais do-do!"
"Why you cain't go to da fais do-do, cher?"
"Because I ain't got me no pretty pretty party dress."
The Fairy Granmaman waivers her magic boudin, and...POOF...Cinderella has her pretty pretty party dress.
Cinderella says, "Oh, tank you, Fairy Grandmaman, but I ain't got no way to go."
The Fairy Granmaman waives her magic boudin, and...POOF...suddenly appears a beautiful baby blue Cadillac.
"Oh, tank you, Fairy Grandmaman!!"
But the Fairy Grandmaman cautions her: "If you are not back home by midnight, your pussy will turn into a pumpkin!"
Cinderella Trahan's eyes go wide and she swears she will be home by 11. Then she goes off to the fais do-do in her baby blue Cadillac. There, she meets a handsome Prince, and she dances with him. They dance and dance. Suddenly, the clock begins to strike 12. BONG. BONG. Cinderella breaks away from him, saying, "I got to go!"
He says, "You can't go now...it's early yet."
She says, "Oh, no...I got to GO!" And turns to run.
The Prince says, "But I don't even know your name...."
She tosses off, "It's Cinderella Trahan, but I really got to go...I have to be home by midnight!"
He shouts after her, "My name is Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater."
And she stops, turns, and says, "Well..maybe I could stay 'til 2."
Federberg
The GOAT
- Joined
- Apr 22, 2013
- Messages
- 15,542
- Reactions
- 5,607
- Points
- 113
Federberg
The GOAT
- Joined
- Apr 22, 2013
- Messages
- 15,542
- Reactions
- 5,607
- Points
- 113
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip.
After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe."
But what does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment.
"Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe."
But what does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment.
"Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
Federberg
The GOAT
- Joined
- Apr 22, 2013
- Messages
- 15,542
- Reactions
- 5,607
- Points
- 113
On his first day on the job, the trainee dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone:
“Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!”
The voice from the other side responded:
“You fool, you’ve dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you’re talking to?”
“No,” replied the trainee.
“It’s the Managing Director of the company, idiot!”
The trainee shouted back: “And do you know who You are talking to, you idiot?”
“No!” replied the Managing Director indignantly.
“Thank god for that!” replied the trainee and slammed down the phone.
“Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!”
The voice from the other side responded:
“You fool, you’ve dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you’re talking to?”
“No,” replied the trainee.
“It’s the Managing Director of the company, idiot!”
The trainee shouted back: “And do you know who You are talking to, you idiot?”
“No!” replied the Managing Director indignantly.
“Thank god for that!” replied the trainee and slammed down the phone.
Federberg
The GOAT
- Joined
- Apr 22, 2013
- Messages
- 15,542
- Reactions
- 5,607
- Points
- 113
Some students were in a classroom taking a test. One student noticed that the teacher wasn't paying close attention, so he whispered to the student next to him, “What's the answer to number one?”
The classmate whispered back, “Benito Mussolini.”
"What about number two?”
"The Battle of the Bulge.”
"What about number three?”
"Fascism.”
"What about number four?”
“The Axis powers.”
This went on until all the questions had been answered.
The next day, the teacher said to the student, “I suspect that you cheated on the test yesterday. I'm giving you a zero on it.”
"But you can't prove that I cheated!" said the student.
The teacher replied, "I don't need to prove it. It was a chemistry test and you answered every question wrong.”
The classmate whispered back, “Benito Mussolini.”
"What about number two?”
"The Battle of the Bulge.”
"What about number three?”
"Fascism.”
"What about number four?”
“The Axis powers.”
This went on until all the questions had been answered.
The next day, the teacher said to the student, “I suspect that you cheated on the test yesterday. I'm giving you a zero on it.”
"But you can't prove that I cheated!" said the student.
The teacher replied, "I don't need to prove it. It was a chemistry test and you answered every question wrong.”
Kieran
The GOAT
- Joined
- Apr 14, 2013
- Messages
- 16,975
- Reactions
- 7,242
- Points
- 113
Federberg
The GOAT
- Joined
- Apr 22, 2013
- Messages
- 15,542
- Reactions
- 5,607
- Points
- 113
A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon.
They opened the champagne and began undressing.
When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "Ewww - what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird.
Why are your feet so gross?"
"I had tolio as a child," he answered.
"You mean polio?" she asked.
"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."
The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing. When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose.
"What's wrong with your knees?" She asked. "They're all lumpy and deformed!"
"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.
"You mean measles?" she asked.
"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.
"Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess…. Smallcox?"
They opened the champagne and began undressing.
When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "Ewww - what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird.
Why are your feet so gross?"
"I had tolio as a child," he answered.
"You mean polio?" she asked.
"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."
The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing. When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose.
"What's wrong with your knees?" She asked. "They're all lumpy and deformed!"
"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.
"You mean measles?" she asked.
"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.
"Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess…. Smallcox?"