Jokes

[tented]

An alter boy walks in on a priest...
A young alter boy walks in on a priest masturbating, confused he asks the priest "what are you doing father?"
The priest replies "don't worry my son it's natural, you will be doing it soon"
"but why father?" the alter boy returns
The priest exclaims "because my arm is getting tired!"

 

[tented]

A Mexican guy comes riding up to the border on his bicycle with two big sacks over his shoulders.
He tells the border guard that the sacks are full of sand, but the guard doesn’t believe him.
The guard detains the guy, and rips open the bags, but there’s nothing but sand.
He even has the sand analyzed, only to find that it really is just sand. And the sack is just a plain sack.
Two days later, the same thing happens. And then it happens again, two days after that. Every time, that guy is on the bike carrying nothing but sand.
This goes on for seven years. It drives the border guard crazy. He loses his job because of it.
One day, he tracks the Mexican guy down and says to him, “I’m no longer a border guard, but I gotta know- what is it that you’re smuggling? Because I know you’re snuggling something.”
The bicycle guy smiles at him and says, “Bicycles, sucker.”

 

[tented]

A child asks his father what "gay" means.
The father says it means happy to his son, to which the son replies "Dad are you gay?" The father laughs and says "no son I have a wife".

 

[tented]

So was at a bar last night and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said, "Caution, I'm a maneater". I walked up to the girl and timidly said, "Excuse me, Miss...about your shirt."
She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted, "Oh let me guess, you're here to make a comment about how I'm so fat and how I actually eat men. I can't help my weight you know. I have feelings too and your comments can really hurt."
I looked at her, confused and said,"That's actually not what I was going to say at all."
"Oh…" she replied as a smile started to come across her face. "What were you going to say?"
"That's not how you spell manatee."

 

[Moxie]

 

[tented]

A lumberjack went into a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree. It shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree”

The lumberjack smiled, “and you will dialogue”.

 

[tented]

If Jesus was real they wouldn't call it the crucifixion...

They would call it crucifact.

 

[Moxie]

Today must be Punday.

 

[Federberg]

 

[Federberg]

 

[tented]

A woman tells her doctor, "Kiss me!"
The doctor says, "What? Why would I do something like that?"
The woman says again, "Kiss me now!"
The doctor replies, "Certainly not!"
The woman demands a third time, "Doctor, I want you to kiss me!"
The doctor answers, "No! It's unprofessional, highly unethical, and to be honest we probably shouldn't even be having sex right now!"

 

[tented]

I’m hosting a charity for men struggling to ejaculate
If you can’t come let me know

 

[tented]

A fortune teller told me I'd suffer awful heart break in 12 years.
To cheer myself up I bought a puppy.

 

[tented]

A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!"
Well, it was an immediate hit.
They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.
Their first night there, she undressed as he did.
There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"
She replied "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning."
He knew he was not going to get lucky that night.
The following night was the same, she stood there wearing the black panties and he was in his birthday suit but now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked, "What's with the black condom?"
He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

 

[tented]

I got a vasectomy so my wife wouldn't get pregnant.
But apparently all it does is change the color of the baby.

 

[Federberg]

 

[Federberg]

 

[Federberg]

 

[Federberg]

 

[Federberg]