The Greatest Ponderings Collection...

[Vince Evert]

Hello All,

I am going to start-up topic all about 'Ponderings' mostly derived from the site ahajokes.com.
Hope that you enjoy these and that the topic becomes a 'grower' -



If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?

Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?

Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?

Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we are already there?

Why are they called 'stands' when they're made for sitting?

Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission?

Why does one get in trouble for WRECKless driving?

Does a fish get cramps after eating?

Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

How do you KNOW it's new and improved dog food?

Why do they put locks on the doors of 24-hour stores?

What do they use to ship styrofoam?

Why is it called rush hour when everything moves so slow?

Why do they call then express lanes when during rush hour everything is stopped?

Why is abreviation such a long word?

If sour milk is used to make yogurt, how do you know when yogurt has gone bad?

Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near miss"? Shouldn't it be called a "near hit"?

 

[Vince Evert]

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?


Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?

Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?

If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?

Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?

Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?

Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?

Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?

Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?

If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong?

Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?

How can someone "draw a blank"?

 

[Vince Evert]

What's another word for thesaurus?

What would we have called the color orange if it wasn't a fruit?

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

How can there be self-help "groups"?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?

If someone has a mid-life crises while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Just "before" someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

 

[Vince Evert]

When you're swimming in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray!

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

How did a fool and his money GET together?

Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.

The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?

When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder Why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

Why Isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

 

[Vince Evert]

The two biggest problems in America are making ends meet and making meetings end.

The trouble with doing nothing is that you never know when you are finished.

Money isn't everything, but at least it encourages relatives to stay in touch.

A single fact can spoil a good argument.

Growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional.

I do whatever my Rice Krispies tell me to.

Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we're already there?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

How come you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

Since Americans throw rice at weddings do orientals throw hamburgers?

 

[Vince Evert]

Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?

Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

Why is it you have a "pair" of pants and only one bra?

How come when I call Information they can't tell me where my keys are?

Why do people go to Burger King and Order a Double Whopper with a Large French Fry and insist on getting a Diet Coke?

Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?

Why is the alphabet in that order?

When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!!

 

[tented]

These are great @vince evert!

 

[Horsa]

These are great @vince evert!

I agree.

 

[Vince Evert]

one more...

Why is the man who invests your money called a broker? Shouldn't he be called a richer?

 

[Horsa]

one more...

Why is the man who invests your money called a broker? Shouldn't he be called a richer?

:0). If I didn't know the answer already I would join in & ask why mince-meat had no meat in it. The answer is that originally mince pies used to be made of real meat minced up (normally rabbit as it was the cheapest meat at that time) but the Victorians wanted to make things cheaper so they made the mince-meat we have today which is made of currants, sultanas & raisins. The older mince pies sound nicer to me though as I don't like currants, sultanas & raisins.

 

[britbox]

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

Lol. Why do utilities tell you that you have an outstanding account when you haven't paid the bill?

 

[Vince Evert]

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?

If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?

If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?

If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?

If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

 

[Vince Evert]

How many weeks are there in a light year?

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?

How can there be self-help "groups"?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?

Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?

Does killing time damage eternity?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?"

 

[Horsa]

The plural of goose is geese so why is the plural of mongoose, mongooses & not mongeese?

 

[Vince Evert]

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

What happens if you get scared half-to-death twice?

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

I intend to live forever -- so far, so good!

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

 

[Vince Evert]

Married people don't live longer than single people. It just seems longer.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Never trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.


Married people don't live longer than single people. It just seems longer.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

 

[Vince Evert]

Everyone has a photographic memory. But some folks don't have film.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.


Why is the word big so little and the word little so big?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

 

[Vince Evert]

Old age is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.

If progress is technology moving forward,then what is congress?

Why do we go under over-passes and over under-passes?

The severity of the itch is proportional to inability to the reach it.

Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?


Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, and drycleaners depressed?


Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?

Why would you put a baby, in a cradle, in a treetop?


If your named Will and you are in the army do you get worried when people say “fire at will”?!!


If the weather man says “there’s a 50% chance of rain tomorrow” does that mean he has no idea if its going to rain or not?

 

[Vince Evert]

Time to bring this popular thread back...


When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

Do blind Eskimoes heave seeing-eye sled dogs?

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

Do radioactve cats have 18 half-lives?

If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

Why call it "take" a dump, when you leave something behind?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Does 'virgin wool' come from sheep the shepherd hasn't caught yet?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

 

[tented]

If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

If it’s convenient, sure. The point here is to kill the mime, no matter what it takes.